Christmas Spirit

I love Christmas. I love the carols, the excited children, everyone talking about their plans, I love Christmas shopping, putting up the decorations and the tree. I am really looking forward to Christmas this year. It will be the first for many years that I wake in my own home and hopefully Santa will have been. The girls can open their pressies before going to my parents for dinner. Santa has been good to them this year because they have been good and their lists were done on time for once!

Thing is though, I’m missing the Christmas cheer this year. Today Mr D has put up his tree with his children and I have joined in but really not got excited about it. My tree will need to go up too, but I can’t find the enthusiasm in me to do it. My tree always goes up before the end of November but this year I am wondering if that will be the case. The Christmas shopping is almost complete, the wrapping is well on it’s way to being done but I just want to pause things until I find me again.

Tonight I should have been on a night out with my work colleagues for our Christmas night out. As I am currently off sick and the destination meant an hours drive, I made the decision that I wouldn’t go. I can’t drink on the medication I am on and with how drowsy I get in the evenings didn’t think the drive was a wise idea. I know I’m not myself though because the “real” me would be gutted about missing a night out and right now I’m not bothered!

Mr D said to me earlier “You don’t want to be here do you?” and I replied with “Right now I don’t want to be anywhere!” That shocked me, but that’s how I felt. I didn’t want to be here with them, I didn’t want to go home or to my parents. I just wanted to hibernate and wake up when I feel better! It’s a weird feeling. I say I have felt like this for years on and off, but I most definitely feel worse than I have ever felt. I have lost all motivation and operate on auto pilot and I really want to feel better for Christmas!!

So that’s my goal, I have decided no matter what happens on Wednesday when I go back to the doctors, my goal needs to be slightly longer term. I was thinking my recovery would be a couple of weeks but that just hasn’t happened. So my aim is to be able to enjoy Christmas as the “real” me. Here’s hoping!! I have 4 weeks, the search continues!!