Super Single Mum's Blog

Life and all the shananigins!

Seven Year Old Attitude

I am having major issues at the moment with B. She turned 7 in January and for the last month or so she has had the attitude of an adolescent. She grew up quickly when I split from her Dad, she saw me as a vunerable person with feelings no different from her own and I do think at times I try too hard to be her friend rather than her Mum – because I need a friend in her!

A typical day involves her having a pants episode when getting dressed, messing around getting ready for school and then complaining that I am nagging at her to hurry up. After school she will start whining before we have left the school playground. If I ask her what she has been up to at school she snaps at me. Anything I ask her to do she comes out with “I have to do everything” even though all I ask of her is that she tidiesthe toys in an evening and she takes her cups back to the kitchen when finished. I think for a 7 year old that is pretty fair. She shouts and screams at me for the slightest thing, and when I try to discipline her she has a full on tantrum, like a 2 year old would. H has started copying this in that when I say “no” to her, she has a tantrum too.

Yesterday I had a chat with her and told her that if a Police man told her off for something she wouldn’t react the same way. She agreed with me, so I said she should have the same respect for me and her Grandparents because while she is a child, I am like a Police man to her. She kind of understood so I clarified by explaining the Police make sure everyone keeps within the law, which is really a list of laws. So in the same respect, I make sure she keeps the rules of our family. Just as the Police punish people who break the law, so I will punish her if she breaks our rules. After school yesterday B came home and she didn’t raise her voice once, she did what I asked and I was the parent not the friend. Today she woke up and it started again. I reminded her of our chat on many occassions and it did no good. She spent an hour today being sent to her room for her back chat and squealing and I even threw out one of her toys after a tantrum outburst had her throwing it across the room.

Tomorrow I plan to draw up a set of house rules with B, both rules for her and me and these will be on display. Maybe then she will keep the rules better. If not it will have to be the reintroduction of her Incentive Chart – but this only ever seems to work in the short term, until she has earnt what she wants. So if anyone has any other suggestions of things they have tried, or that spring to mind when reading this, then I am all ears!! In the mean time, this sums her up perfectly………

There was a little girl,
And she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was horrid.

There Was a Little Girl,  - Who Had a Little Curl - English Children's Songs - England - Mama Lisa's World: Children's Songs and Rhymes from Around the World, Comment Image

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March 6, 2010 Posted by | Parenting | , , , , | 11 Comments

Guest Blog Post

Ok so there are a fair few of us joining in on this Guest Blog event today, and I have done my intro so you all know Kerry from And Then All I Thought About Was You is posting on my site today.

We decide, having not done this before, to throw a few ideas of Title’s around and both write a blog post to fit the title. Here is Kerry’s, I think it is beautiful and it’s a true reflection of her honest and creative writing that you will find on her blog. So take a look, and visit her blog to find out more about her and also to read my post of the same title! Take it away Kerry………

Life Without Kids

Life without kids would be quiet
It would be tidy
It would be clean
It would be organised
Life without kids would be a full time job
It would be a 37 hour working week
It would be free time at weekends
It would be out partying Friday/Saturday
It would be lying in Sunday till midday
Life without kids would be having money
It would be money to spend on me
It would be money left after all the bills are paid
It would be savings
Life without kids would be holidays
It would be holidays abroad
It would be hot, sandy and sunny
It would be for two weeks at a time
Life without kids would be living in another country
It would be just going and trying
It would be no ties
It would be a lets see how it goes
Life without kids would be no loving you unconditionally
It would be no one needing you
It would be no cuddles in the middle of the night
It would be no looks of pure love and adoration
It would be no feelings of pride and joy at your child
It would be not having someone loving you till the end of your days

March 5, 2010 Posted by | Blogging, Guest Blog Post, Parenting | , , , | 4 Comments

Satisfaction Guaranteed

It’s 2.30am, bump has been wriggling about since I came to bed and all I want is a hug from my man who has been working away for 6 weeks and is on his last night of night shift before our long awaited weekend together. I hear the bedroom door open and the words “Are you awake I need to talk to you”. I know it’s over, after accusing him of seeing someone else, and being told not that he loves me and never would want any other, but that it says a lot about our relationship if I trust him so little. But the words hit my heart like a knife as he tells me it’s not just anyone but my best friend of 15 years, who had stayed with for the 6 weeks he was working away. Bump kept wriggling in oblivion of the fact my world has crashed. In the next room B sleeps deeply in her world of dreams. Even the dog is walking around tail wagging not realising life has ended. The knife is twisting and hurting even more as I listen to the words that seem to fall so easily from his lips, the lips that only 24 hours ago were mine. It’s not an affair, he loves her, he never loved me that way, it’s over, he will move out, I can stay in the house, he wants to be with her, he has always loved her since the 1st time he saw her……….why all the words, surely with this amount of pain my heart will burst and so I will die and I don’t need to be told this as life is over.

NO life can’t be over, bump is still reassuring me inside, the kicks are strong now, stronger than the pain and I know what I have to do. It will be hard, there will be tears and I will miss my friends, my work and my life but I have to go and start again. A new life. I have to go where my heart can heal. I have to be with people who can help me, support me and most of all I have to make sure my children don’t feel the pain I am in right now. I have to go to the only place I can think of going, where I know there will be open arms, where I know there is unconditional love, I pick up the phone….”Mum, can I come home?……….”

Friends by h.koppdelaney. Picture Credit: h.koppdelaney

That was almost 2 years ago. I’ve proved myself wrong and everyone else right – I can do it and I do it every day without even thinking about it. Oh don’t get me wrong, the thought of that night, writing it down and recalling the emotion is still hard because you never loose the memory of pain that betrayal causes. But I am 100% happier than I remember for a long time. Being a single parent was something I never thought or planned to be. I didn’t think for a second that H would end up with a half sister only 13 months younger than her. But life does sometimes throw the unexpected at us. And to top that, other people throw stereotypes around and think that because my marriage ended while I was pregnant and that I moved the length of the country, that obviously I had the affair, and the baby must not have the same Dad as B. Oh and because I went into the benefits system I am now a scrounger, even though I lost my job due to the combination of moving, maternity leave and the credit crunch.

So why write about this? Why now if I am so happy? Why bring this up again, everyone knows my story, everyone knows it’s been hard and I have learnt to shrug the stigmas off and not care what others think! Well it’s because now I feel I can walk away from the old life and truly run into my new life. I wake up everyday with a smile and my girls are happy (well, excluding the usual kids stuff). I’m starting work soon and I have just had a brilliant end to my week which has made me realise “I’ve done it!” This brilliant end to the week included a day of non stop laughter and smiles with three people who I can say are my best three “Since I became single” friends, i.e. they didn’t know me in my old life. So, here’s the sentimental stuff, Friend #1: Thank you for showing me that this sort of crap happens to others and that not only can I take help I can give it too, we’ve had some fantastic times, too many to mention here and you know I love you and here’s to many more. Friend #2: I for one wish you weren’t moving to Oz, sod the kids missing each other, I’m going to miss you and our mid week trips out with the kids. I hope you find happiness and I do understand that sometimes a new place can mean change in a lot of ways – Good Luck! And Friend #3: I gave you Twilight and you gave me blogging and boy oh boy am I grabbing this by both hands! We’ve had some laughs and if ever your feeling like you need a laugh I will gladly thread a bracelet and then drop it everywhere – your laughing now aren’t you!!!

Its Future is in our Hands - Live Earth by aussiegall.Picture Credit: aussiegal

I’ve probably bored all my other readers now, but the moral to this tale is simple; life only throws at us what we can deal with, and that which doesn’t kill us makes us a hell of a lot stronger. Change might not be wanted but we have to grasp it in both hands and make the most of it and who knows, we may end up happier in the long run – I have, every morning I wake with only 1 certainty, that there will be satisfaction guaranteed!

February 26, 2010 Posted by | Parenting | , , , , , | 8 Comments

1st Child Syndrome

I have just been reading the blog of fellow Mum Slummy Single Mummy, about how the age gap between our kids can effect the way we parent. It got me thinking…….

The age gap between my girls is 5 1/2 years and it was neither intentional or accidental. We had spent 3 years “trying” for B, I had ended up on the fertility drug Chlomid, and conceived on the 5th cycle. I had 95% convinced myself I would never be a mum by this point and that was something I couldn’t face. My pregnancy was not what I had expected. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t hard compared to others but I thought I would feel “glowing” for a whole 9 months, but morning sickness was constant through my waking hours till I was 6 months gone, when the indigestion and back ache kicked in. I hated the fact I was covered in stretch marks, I looked like some weird Zebra Woman hybrid!

She ain't heavy, she is my sister - The Hollies by martintoy.

I had a planned section at 40 weeks as the little tyke was breech. Having been convinced I was having a boy I was surprised to hear “It’s a girl” as she was briefly shown to me over the screen round my head! At the time I couldn’t admit to anyone – not even myself – but I felt like I was lost. I didn’t experience that 1st wave of emotion for B, in fact I didn’t even believe she was mine at first. It took me a while but eventually we built a bond. I grew to love motherhood but blocked my early experiences from memory.

With the hard experience of B, we didn’t really talk about having more kids until B was 3. I was back at work, B was completely dry day and night and as a couple we were getting some time back to us. Life was great and although we had said when we 1st married, that we both wanted a big family, we decided that we would only ever have B because we couldn’t risk her happiness on me having to go through fertility treatment again. We had tried a few times since she was born and never caught so said enough was enough. That all changed just after B turned 4. He had been away with work and came home and said he wanted to give it 1 more go, and see a specialist if need be. We set my 30th birthday as the time limit – if nothing by then we would stop and be thankfully for 1 beautiful girl. Nine months later I was staring at a positive pregnancy test and my gut instinct was pure dread and fear. In hindsight that was over my marriage which was about to crumble, but at the time I even contemplated not telling him and having a termination. (No-one knows that, not till now!) I had never felt so scared and unsure about what to do. I had a management position at work, a great group of no kids friends and a daughter who was at a stage where she was gaining independence by the day. It took me all of 1 minute to push that aside and realise I had conceived without intervention and was over the moon and so my future began.

So as you can see, neither planned or accidental, but the age gap exists. Now it’s not the gap I have an issue with. I had the same gap between me and my brother and my parents did a fantastic job at making sure we were both loved and supported in all we did, and family outings catered for us both where ever possible. What has got me thinking is the fact that B can see the difference in the way I treat them both. She is 7 now, so I do treat her completely different. Mentally she is probably older, she saw me go through a lot while I was pregnant and she had the upheaval of her Daddy moving in with her Mummy’s best friend, who she could no longer see. Oh and moving the length of the country and changing schools without any warning at all. It did mature her but that’s not always a good thing!

I do worry she will take the differences she see’s as meaning I love H more. I don’t! It is true that a mother loves all her children equally. I could never choose one over the other, but at the same time I see them as 2 very different people. H gets away with everything in B’s eyes, B copies H and doesn’t get away with it, H gets a cuddle when she wants one while B is expected to be old enough to understand she has to wait till I am free. I heard something that hit home last week – We spend the 1st years of our kids lives teaching them to walk and talk, and then when they can we tell them to shut up and sit down – that’s so true. H is always on her feet and jabbering away and that’s fine by me, but B gets told to stop it when she does the same! Hopefully in time B will see that things will change as H gets older too, but I do worry that because she is older I expect too much from her! Does anyone else worry about this?

Picture Credit: martintoy

February 23, 2010 Posted by | Parenting | , , , , | 10 Comments