Super Single Mum's Blog

Life and all the shananigins!

As Time Goes By

I can’t believe how time flies, I really can’t! My daughters are now 9 and 4, I’ve lived in this house for 3 1/2 years and the days whizz by in a blur sometimes. What is it with time though, why is it going so fast?

When I was a kid, the thought of a whole term at school was painful, holidays felt like a lifetime apart and weekends were two whole days of free time. Time wasn’t an issue, I don’t really have memories of my parents rushing around on a daily basis and saying things like “I’ve not got time”. I actually remember at about 8 years old, calling for a friend to play out and her mum told me she was busy but would be able to play out in an hour. I went home and said to my mum “that’s ages”. Whilst obviously the hour passed, it did feel like a long time.

I thought it was just an age thing. As you get older time becomes more important, planning holidays, days out, even the every day things like shopping, all take up time and so you are constantly thinking about time. When I started working in Sales Management in 2007 I really noticed how constantly tracking sales periods made the months fly by. Now with work I am always planning future appointments and so my days are mapped out in blocks of time. The only issue with this is that B has also said how fast time is going. She said it only feels like 5 minutes since we went on holiday in August, and now it’s only 7 weeks till Christmas!

It got me thinking that maybe it IS the fact that we time watch that time flies. With modern day technology time is all around us, mobiles, iPads, Laptops, alarms, cookers etc. Pretty much everything is governed by time, I hate to think how often I look at the clock, I know I have checked it about 5 times so far while writing this post! Even for kids, they have their phones, if B texts a friend she is then clock watching till she gets a reply (another issue in itself but not relevant now), if she wants to watch TV it is generally a half hour program, so by the time she has watched one and H has picked another, that’s an hour gone. I’ve also noticed B will ask how long things will be till they start or finish, and will wait rather than fill 10 minutes doing something else.

Last weekend I was full of cold and on Sunday me and Mr K sat in the house, wrapping Christmas pressies and relaxing. We put on a music channel and I didn’t put on my watch. The only time I thought about what time it was, was when I started to feel hungry and then I went to cook dinner. Do you know what, the day seemed to last much longer! So I actually think that technology means we watch time closer, and watching time seems to make things go faster! I’m actually going to set myself the challenge of not wearing a watch at the weekend from now on and make a conscious effort to ignore time when time is my own!

I’d love to know your thoughts on the speed of time though!

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November 8, 2012 Posted by | Me, myself and I | , , | Leave a comment

Chasing the Blues Away

I’m going to write this in the hope that 1. Someone can give me some advise and 2. Anyone else feeling this way can know they are not alone!

Stanwick Lakes 060Mental illness is still one of those things that is so hard to talk about. I think mainly because you can’t see it and also for those in sound mind it is hard to believe how some people can see the world in the way they do! Doing the job I do means I have a good basic knowledge of metal health and illness to enable me to work with people who may have mental illness to some degree. I have accepted people suffer with issues and am empathetic to them and hope, in my role either at work, or with my own friends, I have been able to help some people face their own issues and begin to deal with them. Maybe I need to listen to my own advise?

As long as I can remember, from being a hormonal teenager, I have always gone through times where I have felt down. We all do. Some days are rubbish, some days we cry, some days we grin and bear it, feel sorry for ourselves then move on. As I’ve got older it’s the moving on bit I struggle with. Not moving on as in forgiving others who upset me, apologising to those I may have hurt – but moving on as in my mood returning back to “normal”.

I would say it started when B came into my life. I had been trying 3 years to fall pregnant and after investigation I was on fertility treatment. When I fell pregnant I was over the moon, until I got morning sickness until 20 weeks followed by chronic back pain and heart burn. At 38 weeks a scan revealed B was breech meaning my birth plan went out the window and I had a planned section 2 days before my due date. I never felt a contraction and pregnancy had not agreed with me. B slept a lot when she was born, she was not put to the breast until she was 4 hours old due to me coming out of theatre at shift change time. At 30 hours old I was sat in tears on my own in hospital, B had been asleep for 8 hours. I was told to feed on demand, she wasn’t demanding and I had no visitors. Turned out B had jaundice, which causes sleepiness and the best medicine is milk, because it is through digesting the milk that the babies blood can expel the bilirubin no longer needed. (May not be medically accurate but I know she needed to feed to recover). I felt that in less than 2 days I had failed my daughter. I didn’t have the overwhelming rush of love I had programmed myself to expect. I cried a lot when no one was around. I hid the fact I felt lost. I wasn’t working for the first time in my adult life and I had this little person that relied on me 100%. For that reason I had to keep doing what was expected. I’d wanted this for years so I was acting so ungrateful and I hated myself for feeling how I did.

I never told anyone how I felt.

I lied on the questionnaire my HV gave me about how I was feeling when B was 6 weeks old.

I encouraged B’s relationship with her dad and I subconsciously took a step back, watching from the outside as my daughter grew.

I learnt to live with my up and down moods and hid them as much as I could because I didn’t want anyone to know I was failing emotionally as a mum.

Butlins 2011 087Life events effected how regularly I felt low, I got a good job after moving to Scotland, got promoted, B started school, our relationship got better, I found me again. Then I fell pregnant again and whilst it was again planned, it was without treatment and a bit of a shock. Initial dread filled me – I am going to hate myself again. Five months into the pregnancy I became a single mum. I was 2 weeks off the cut of for an abortion. I have never said this, but I did consider it an option. I had been a rubbish mum how would I bring up 2 children on my own. But I wouldn’t be on my own because I moved back to my family.

When H was born it was hard, it ended in an emergency section with both our lives at risk. We both pulled through. For months I re lived that every time I closed my eyes. I woke up in cold sweats. I panicked if I couldn’t hear every breath H took. I had an overwhelming rush of love for her that first time I held her. It was everything I hadn’t felt with B. I have since gone through 3 years of feeling like a great mum, feeling guilty for not being as close to B when she was younger (just to say that I am very close to her now – splitting from my husband was the best thing for my relationship with her because I had to repair what I believed was cracked!). I still get down round H’s birthday, I still have the flash backs, the nightmares and the cold sweats.

I’m now in a happy relationship with Mr D, have 2 fantastic daughters, 2 brilliant step kids (Ok not officially, but in my eyes that’s how I see them), I have a rewarding and unpredictable job and I am financially stable.

So why am I feeling so rubbish. I sit and cry about nothing. I want to lock the world out and hibernate until I feel better. I want to be round people but when I am I want to be on my own. Nothing is “wrong” but I don’t feel right. I don’t have my usual appetite. I feel guilty about doing anything for me. I don’t have time to do everything, don’t like to ask for help and feel like people are judging me for doing a bad job. I couldn’t even tell you who I think is judging me and saying it our loud sounds pathetic, but that’s how my brain is thinking!

This time of year always make me feel a bit sad, I often joke i have SAD! Should I see my GP? But then I worry the GP will tell me I am being silly all people feel like this at times so just get on with it. How will I feel then? And what if the doctor says there is something wrong, that I need counselling or medication to help me through. Will it effect my work and if so does that mean I should just keep quiet? In fact, what will my colleagues think if I am doing this job whilst dealing with my own issues? Do they even need to know?

 

It will all be ok tomorrow……………

November 1, 2011 Posted by | Me, myself and I | , , | 5 Comments

The Gallery – A Portrait or Four!

I look at it every month and never get round to doing it, but this week I have decided to give my attempt at The Gallery. For those of you who don’t know, it’s run by Tara Cain on her Blog Sticky Fingers. Go over and take a look and have a go. This week the topic is portraits, old or new, including whoever you want so I looked through my pictures, and I managed to narrow it down to four. A portrait to me is a snap shot of time that is captured perfectly, although not the best quality pictures in the world, these pictures fill me with emotion!

 

 I don’t look glamorous, I hadn’t done my hair and I felt like hell, but this is the moment I held H for the very 1st time. She was about 36 hours old and was breathing for herself again after being on a ventilator. She was 2 weeks over due and went through a pretty traumatic birth, but she’s my little fighter and you’d never know what she went through from looking at her now. Apgar score of 1 at 1min old and 3 at 5 minutes long – for those who understand that, you will know that’s a pretty close call. This is a portrait of Love, Thankfulness and Relief.

 

 

My next portrait is of my two girls, soaking it all up, studying each other. It was such a natural moment when H was only a few weeks old. B was smitten with her from the moment she came home. She had found it hard coming to hospital and seeing her Mummy with tubes and unable to move easily, and her new baby sister also full of tubes and very ill. But when H came home, B was full of love and affection. This portrait is of Love, Understanding and Sisterhood.

 

I adore this picture. It captures the spirit of Sports Day so well. This was the 1st year that B actually managed to do the sack race without anyone helping her, she came last but she didn’t care she loved it!!! This portrait is of Fun, Sun and Laughter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And finally we have my darling girlies recently. The smiles say it all. I look at these pictures and see how much B has grown, how much H is just a normal little girl and the fact they are both happy means the world to me. This portrait is of my life as a Mum!!!

April 28, 2010 Posted by | The Gallery | , , | 12 Comments

10 Free Things I Like

Today I came home from work and was greeted with Mumtoj’s latest Blog post about her 10 free things she likes and it got me thinking of so many things I take for granted because they are things I don’t have to pay for. I’ve actually had to take things out to only have 10 here, and this is what I came up with:

  1. Picking H up from nursery and hearing “Mummy!”, with a huge smile on her face and running to me for cuddles. Although it does make me feel a little guilty for leaving her, I know right now it’s all new for her and it won’t take her long to adjust. But it makes me realise I am as special to her as she is to me and that makes it all worth while.
  2. Hearing B when she tells me she loves me, or that I am the best Mum in the world. I know I am not perfect, what parent is, but that she is able to feel love for me and appreciate me as a parent means so much – I know I’m on the right track even though she has been through so much especially in the last 2 years.
  3. Reading a book to relax – now officially this does cost me as I buy my books, but I also use the library and borrow books from friends and family so I have decided to include it. I spent so many years being a non reader, not understanding how such a thing could be relaxing, but I have to say I am a readaholic and am never without a book on the go!
  4. Spending time with family and friends. Knowing that time with those who mean the most to me doesn’t have to involve days out, it can simply be visiting each other or going for a walk, because it’s the company that’s enjoyable.
  5. Activities provided by the Children’s Centre – although my involvement in these will be limited now I am back to work, I have to include it because it still is at this point in time a big part of my life.
  6. Fresh air! May seem a little strange but when was the last time you breathed in proper fresh air? The air quality where I live is much better than inner city air, but having lived so long up in the North of Scotland, even now after 2 years the air down here is not the same so I really love it when I go to the coast, or visit friends up North and get some real fresh air!
  7. Having a shower – ok again technically not free because I have to pay for water and electricity, but even if I didn’t shower I would have to pay for those so I am kind of cheating a bit!!! But I hate baths, I don’t feel clean after sitting in water containing my dissolved dirt from my skin. A shower really does wash away the day, leaves my skin feeling tingly and refreshed and makes everything better!
  8. Sleep! I love my sleep. No two ways about it, without sleep I am ratty and not a very once person to know! So I am including it because whilst I love the feeling of being asleep, I also love the fact that after a good nights sleep I am a much more balanced and focused person.
  9. The dawn chorus. I know, I love sleep and that includes not having to get up early, but this last week I have loved hearing the dawn chorus, the soundtrack to life. Each little bird adding it’s own unique sound to natures choir. It reminds me that everyone and every other living thing, contributes to the bigger picture in ways that we can’t always understand. We are all important in so many ways and that is something to shout about.
  10. My broadband – yep I get free broadband so it makes it on to the list because as a single parent it’s one of my main ways of contacting and meeting people when the kids are tucked up in bed. It enables me to write this blog, read other blogs, tweet, play games, connect with friends and family and without it my life would be very different. I can discuss things, vent, laugh with others and still feel like a part of something even when sat at home on my own.

So there we have it – like I say I had to cut some because there are actually lots more. I am also quite shocked at how deep some of my answers are considering the time of night it is! I’d love to hear about your Ten Free Things You Like too, so please comment or blog about this yourself, and if you do let me know so I can come and have a look!

March 23, 2010 Posted by | meme | , , | 3 Comments

The Natural Cycle of Friendship

I’m sure everyone has read the email which circulates regularly, with the message that people are in our lives for a specific reason. I don’t remember the exact words but you will know the one I mean. Now I seem to remember it says that friends enter our lives for either a reason, a season or a lifetime. I think that’s a really nice way to look of it instead of labelling people as “fair weather” friends. So in a nutshell, you have those friends who come into our lives when we need them, but only stay until that need has passed. This would be friends who you work with, who never become friends out of work and you loose contact when one or the other leaves the work place. Then you have the friends who are in your life for a considerable amount of time, but all seasons come to a natural end and so is the same with this type of friendship. Maybe this would cover friends at school or University. You share a big part of your life but then when life takes the next turn, your friendships change. Then, once in a while, your lucky enough to find a friend who stays in your life forever. The friend that you can move away from but still be as close to. The friend who would travel to the ends of the earth to help you at 3am for what ever reason.

I find it hard these days to forge friendships because I had the trust completely taken advantage of by a friend I thought was in my life for a lifetime. However, I have made new friends and kept hold of lots of old ones. At this moment in time I would say I only have 1 definite “lifetime” friend, one who I have worked with, got drunk with, talked through my marriage breakup with, live the length of the country from and only see once or twice a year – but it’s always as though we’ve never had great gaps in contact and I see myself as so priveledged to have this kind of friendship. I do however have 3 friends right now who I class as much more than reason, and hope they are not seasonal – but havn’t known them long enough yet to class as “lifetime”. But, as is the natural cycle, we are reaching a joint end of season and as much as we all look forward to what life holds for each one of us, I for one am also a little apprehensive about what will happen to the dynamics of our friendships.

My friends by janine berben @ Flickr.com

Today was the penultimate day where the 4 of us will be in a room together for probably some time if not ever. We met at the Children’s Centre to have a little surprise “Good Luck” party for mumtoj who is hopefully moving to Oz in the next few weeks. We didn’t manage to get her to shed a tear (although admit it, you were close to it when I dropped you home after!), however, I felt a pang of realisation that it’s all change now!! Also in the room was another brilliant friend MummyMatters who is happily 3 months pregnant, about to move (only down the road) and the fantastic BS (who hasn’t been convinced she should Blog yet), who is hoping to go to college in September and then on to Uni to get into nursing. Oh and me, starting work on Monday and so won’t be able to get to all our weekly groups. It’s all change, and all for the good but the chances are some of us will lose touch, if not in the short term then quite possible over time, events in life will make it harder to keep the friendships to what they have been. So, here is my message to my friends, and also to anyone who has lost touch with friends and feels regret:

 

I love our friendship

Remember the fun times we had, smile at the pictures and laugh with the memories and know that I am sat doing the same.

I hope I touched your life like you did mine, you made a difference and without you my life would be very different now.

It’s sad that sometimes we lose touch with people who mean the world to us, but know this – you mean as much to me now, as you did when we laughed and cried together, you mean as much to me now as the friend I am sharing stories with, and whenever I think of you I hope you are happy and loved with other friends in my place.

Too all my friends, past, present and future I thank you for making me the person I have grown into today, and the person I will become tomorrow.

I have just realised that kind of sounds like I am walking away from my friendships, that’s not the case, I just want you all to know that should life mean we grow apart, well that’s just what life is like and it doesn’t change the fact that you are all, and always will be, in my heart!

March 17, 2010 Posted by | Friendship | , , , , | 13 Comments

Guest Blog Post

Ok so there are a fair few of us joining in on this Guest Blog event today, and I have done my intro so you all know Kerry from And Then All I Thought About Was You is posting on my site today.

We decide, having not done this before, to throw a few ideas of Title’s around and both write a blog post to fit the title. Here is Kerry’s, I think it is beautiful and it’s a true reflection of her honest and creative writing that you will find on her blog. So take a look, and visit her blog to find out more about her and also to read my post of the same title! Take it away Kerry………

Life Without Kids

Life without kids would be quiet
It would be tidy
It would be clean
It would be organised
Life without kids would be a full time job
It would be a 37 hour working week
It would be free time at weekends
It would be out partying Friday/Saturday
It would be lying in Sunday till midday
Life without kids would be having money
It would be money to spend on me
It would be money left after all the bills are paid
It would be savings
Life without kids would be holidays
It would be holidays abroad
It would be hot, sandy and sunny
It would be for two weeks at a time
Life without kids would be living in another country
It would be just going and trying
It would be no ties
It would be a lets see how it goes
Life without kids would be no loving you unconditionally
It would be no one needing you
It would be no cuddles in the middle of the night
It would be no looks of pure love and adoration
It would be no feelings of pride and joy at your child
It would be not having someone loving you till the end of your days

March 5, 2010 Posted by | Blogging, Guest Blog Post, Parenting | , , , | 4 Comments

101 things in 1001 Days

Ok this is exactly what it says on the tin!

As a member of British Mummy Bloggers I came across another blogging mummy who is doing the Day Zero Project and found it quite an interesting idea, so have decided to give it a go! The aim of the game (and I am viewing it as a game as my competitive nature will kick in and I’m more likely to succeed), is to think of 101 things you would like to achieve in 1001 days. Yep it’s as simple as that……….or not!

I sat down on Thursday and began writing my list, yet here I am on Sunday and I still need about 10 things before I can publish it and crack on with it. The first few ideas came easily, with my new job just round the corner and a change in the permanent normality of my life I think it’s the ideal time to take stock and evaluate what I want to achieve in the next 2.75 years of my life. So as you will see when I do publish, some of my ideas are practical ones, things that I NEED to do and just put them off all the time. Some of them are things that I would love to become normal activities in mine and/or the girls lives and adding them to this challenge should help me form the habits. Others are “spiritual” or “emotional”, things to do in order to make me feel more content, or just feel more important. They are all things I don’t do now, or have tried and failed with in the past, but some of the things I have been saying I would do for a while and just never have. So take a look and see what you think. You can also visit http://www.dayzeroproject.com/ to find out more, and let me know if you give it a go too – I can cross that off my list then as I plan to get someone else on board!

Oh and of course watch this space as to how I get on along the way!

February 21, 2010 Posted by | My 101 Things | , , , | 6 Comments