Super Single Mum's Blog

Life and all the shananigins!

The Reintroduction Of Daddy

Regular readers will know that my Ex has been working away for the last 3 1/2 months and I’m not going to pretend I haven’t enjoyed it. He was due back last Friday but due to the Icelandic Volcano erupting on Thursday, that’s all on hold at the moment. The plan had been that he would spend some time here with the girls on Saturday morning and then take them back to his with him till Tuesday morning, when he would drop them to school and nursery. Then J (his new partner) would collect them on Thursday afternoon to take them with her to his Medal Parade and then they would again stay at his over night.

 

Due to natural occurrences beyond anyone’s control he has obviously not got back yet, but through some long winded itinery they are now hopefully going to be back by Wednesday. That means the Parade will most probably still go ahead. It does however leave me in a little bit of a quandary. Before I start, I am in no way trying to stop him seeing my girls as much as he wants when he gets back – but I do have a gut worry about how it’s all going to effect H.

 

H lately has had a massive attachment to me. She hates it when I leave her at nursery, walk out the room, or even leave her with my Mum, who she sees 4 or 5 times a week and used to willingly go to on every occasion. My worry is that should he return Wednesday and the parade still be on Thursday, that she will be collected by J and my MIL (who she has seen twice in the last 3 months), taken to an out door parade which is due to start bang on tea time. Then be taken back to his home and expected to sleep. B understands it all, she remembers who Daddy is and remembers his house etc. H is 21 months and although she has spoken to him on the phone in her own way a few times, she hasn’t seen him in what is a long time for a toddler.

 

B went through a similar experience at a slightly younger age. We were together then and even with him being in her home it took her a week to come round to him properly.  So my worry is based on past experience. Plus, he is going to have to face this with his other daughter he now has with J who is 8 months. It won’t be easy, but at least little L has her Mummy there the whole time, there is stability. The only stability H will have is B. So, I am kind of wondering what is my best line of action with this. Do I let her go and hope that between them they can comfort her enough. Do I let her go but insist she is brought home afterwards rather than stay at his. Or do I say B can go but not H – which I really don’t want to do for a number of reasons. Had I not been at work I would willingly take my girls with me. As much as my relationship with him is over and ended in a lot of hurt, I really do respect what he has to do for his job and am proud to be a part of that even if far removed now. I just don’t want to cause unnecessary upset to my daughter by just going along with the plan as if nothing has changed.

 

I guess at the end of the day I will just have to wait until he is home and then discuss it with him. But I would really love some feedback as to how it’s best to deal with this, best for H that is. I want her to have a relationship with her Dad, but I don’t want her to feel it is forced upon her. Parenting is hard enough at the best of times eh!!!

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April 18, 2010 - Posted by | Parenting | , , , ,

13 Comments »

  1. I really feel for you on this one. You have to put your children first in this and only you know how they will take it. I hope you can find the best solution as it sounds like H is going to find it tough.

    Comment by Becky | April 18, 2010 | Reply

    • I think my issue is she will find it tough but as none of them have seen her for a long time, they may think this is me trying to make issues. I would never usemy kids in that way but at the same time if roles were reversed the selfish part of me would want my kids back after 3 months in a war zone! I know no intentional harm will come to her, but I dont want to make her current attachment issues worse!

      Comment by supersinglemum | April 18, 2010 | Reply

  2. I dont have any advice per se (my monkey was 4 when her daddy came home after 4 1/2 months away) but we picked him up from Brize and I dropped them both off at his new house. I spoke to her every day and she knew that she could ring me whenever she wanted. And she was completely fine.

    I guess I just wanted to say that kids are amazingly resilient and we need to give them a bit more credit sometimes…

    And stop beating yourself up that you are doing the wrong thing, or at least not the right thing!

    mfl

    Comment by MyFuzzyLogic | April 18, 2010 | Reply

    • Oh I agree they are resiliant, and I do wonder how much of this is me worrying because of how I will feel all day thursday knowing what lies ahead for her! I guess one option is to say that if she really is unconsolable then they can ring me and bring her home if need be. But then that will probably just make it harder down the line. I suppose there is the “in at the deep end” approach and go along with the plan. Argh!! Lol!!! I know what ever happens all will be fine, and it will get easier. I guess apart of me was geared up for the worst to be over by now which also doesn’t help!!!

      Comment by supersinglemum | April 18, 2010 | Reply

  3. From my personal experience, I think if you are truly okay with it (and not just say you are but really mean it) and tell the kids this is the way it is and they will be with daddy and in ______days see you again, then they will do just fine.

    Sometimes you just need to let go. I think it will be fine.

    Comment by Susie | April 18, 2010 | Reply

    • This would be fine if it wasn’t the fact I am dropping her from nursery and she won’t be picked up by me – simply because nursery in itself is an area of issue for her at the moment. But there is no other choice because I am at work that day. I think I will try and make sure she has seen him before Thursday because at least then she will have seen him. Plus, I kind of need to see him before he takes the girls in order to tell him what her routine is these days as it has changed pretty much and there are certain things that have to be done a certain way to keep her happy! Lets hope he doesn’t begrudge that time for the sake of his girls!

      Comment by supersinglemum | April 18, 2010 | Reply

  4. I don’t really have any advice, apart from I think that you need to speak to him, make him know your issues, and maybe then the two of you can work it out together xx

    Comment by andthenallithoughtaboutwasyou | April 18, 2010 | Reply

    • Thankyou! The hardest past is that I cant talk to him till he is back. I think if he hasn’t time to see her before Thurs then maybe its not a wise move for her to go. Mainly becasue at least if she has seen him the day before it wont be so hard for her.

      Comment by supersinglemum | April 18, 2010 | Reply

  5. Hi

    I just wanted to say, in my experience try not to come across as too controlling. I’d just write him a list of how she likes things done – he’s not going to remember what you say anyway. If you are able to call his partner and talk to her first I think it would be a good idea. Let them know that they can bring her home overnight if it would be helpful. But try not to come across as if you are the panicky mum getting in his way. He’s been away a long time and it will be hard to establish a relationship, but it’s not going to be damaging for her long term.
    Good luck xx

    Comment by Hari | April 18, 2010 | Reply

    • I do have to disagree with the long term damage because it very easily could. And it would be me picking up the pieces. But that said I have recieved some harsh but true advise through these comments and have decided they will go, and stay over night, and then he can come and see me on Friday after dropping B to school and H can see me and know I am still here etc. Then they will prob be with him for the weekend. I know he won’t remember but it’s mainly what has changed not everything. And B will remember alot of things and of course I am only a call away. I just find now she is a bit older the whole list thing could come across as too much really. He is a good dad and I think we just have to go for it this Thursday and keep an eye on H should any probs arise. Thanks for your comment it means alot.

      Comment by supersinglemum | April 19, 2010 | Reply

  6. hi – my heart is with you on this one. I am the single mum of a 2yr old boy and a 5mth girl. Their dad and I split when I was 4mths pregnant with our daughter. Two weeks ago we started visits with the kids at daddy’s and I was a mess the whole weekend. Not only was it strange to be without the kids but it was my first time parted from my daughter since she was born. Before the visit I kept going over in my head things to tell daddy so that he knew their routine etc. Daddy asked me what happens if Mr 2 asks for mummy. Depsite hours worth of advice I could have given him I just said “you deal with it”. In the end, hard as it was I didn’t say anything I told him to have a lovely time, told the kids I loved them and I would see them in two days and walked out the door (heart break!). I had come to the conclusion that I know the kids are safe with him and so it was up to him to parent them while they are in his care-no matter how they may or maynot act out. I know they cry and get upset when they are with me, it would be unreasonable to think that they won’t cry and get upset while with him-but that is for him to handle. For the whole time they were away I was really highly strung and so focussed that energy into cleaning and gardening-only sort of helped. We have another visit this weekend coming and I feel better about it. The kids adore their dad (as they should) my role as their mum (besides the obvious) is to do all I can to support them having a healthy relationship with their dad. I have to say all this out aloud to myself ALL the time, to try to train myself, because all the worry and concern I have, when I strip it back, is mostly about me and my needs. I am beginning to realise that these feelings are not wrong they are instinct.
    Thinking of you at this really hard time
    Beth

    Comment by Beth | April 19, 2010 | Reply

    • You’ve hit it, they cry and play up for me and I just deal with it and would hate for someone to come along and try and change the way I parent. He has to get back in the swing of it – I have to just bite my tongue and away they go. Am speaking to J tonight about it as he will definitly now not be seeing girls before the Parade on Thurs. Thanks, its good to know I am not alone!

      Comment by supersinglemum | April 19, 2010 | Reply

  7. […] like that. This is a short thank you to everyone who has offered their opinion to my last post The Reintroduction of Daddy. From reading the post you will have gathered I had been quite worried about the whole Daddy coming […]

    Pingback by A True Blogging Breakthrough « Super Single Mum's Blog | April 19, 2010 | Reply


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