Super Single Mum's Blog

Life and all the shananigins!

The Next Step for Recovery

It’s been 2 years and a day since my marriage ended, but it’s a good thing that it is only now that I realise I managed the anniversary without even a second thought to what the day was. Yet today felt right for the next step on the road to recovery after what I went through.

Today I wrote some emails and mentally decided that it is no longer relevant to play the hurt ex wife card because for one, I don’t want to any more, I wouldn’t want to go back and love my life now; but also because the only people it causes issues for is my 2 beautiful girls. So my 1st email was to my ex mother in law. It’s no great secret we never got on while I was married to her son and quite honestly I don’t expect that to ever change but I won’t let that get between her and her Granddaughters. She had invited both the girls and myself to an Easter Egg Hunt at her house last month and I said I would let her know. I’ve now RSVP’ed and said we will be there. The issue here is not my Mother in Law though, it’s the fact that my ex best friend and mother to my ex husband’s 3rd daughter will also be there. The ex himself is working abroad and so gets out of the 1st meeting between me and his new woman, we haven’t seen each other in the last 2 years. B however, is so excited that not only does she get to go to the hunt, but that I will be there with her too.

After writing this email I also emailed my ex to let him know that although I had said before he left that I was happy for the girls to see their younger sister while he was away, that this has only happened once when they stayed at his Mum’s as the other woman (OT) has failed to contact me. I didn’t lay the blame but said that it was maybe time we need to sit down and become a united front when he gets home, rather than B in particular thinking that because of how I feel about OT she can play us off against each other. She had started doing so before he went away – without success – but I know how her mind works! I hesitated before sending, but sent it never the less.

Then tonight as I was getting H ready for bed my phone bleeped as I received a text. I picked up my phone and smiled, I had a text from my best friend, I hadn’t heard from her in ages – about 2 years……………oh yeah that’s right, she lives with my husband now, has a kid with him and caused our divorce. It was like a knife all over again. She just wanted to say if I want to meet up with the kids before the Easter Hunt, where there will be about 15 kids and their parents all of which are my ex family in law who I was never really close too, to let her know so we can sort something. All of a sudden I began wondering if I am really ready for this next move.

 Love, hate, and the Wikipedia contributor culture problem by opensourceway.

My family think it’s something that should never happen, but with 3 young girls mixed into it all and the fact that bitterness and anger doesn’t do anyone any good, I can’t just carry on blocking that part of their lives. I know I will never get my best friend or my husband back, and heaven knows I don’t want that, but at the end of the day should I really stay bitter when their actions have actually made me happier. I know it won’t be easy. I don’t want my girls to hold it against me that they don’t see their sister when Daddy is away. I also don’t want to come across to his family that I have some kind of shame that I drop the girls off and stay away when none of them asked for this situation either. If I don’t do this now then when? When B gets married? When H has her 1st child? I need to do it now to move on to the next stage of life. This is the new page after drawing a line under the old life I had and hopefully together we can write my girls a fairytale.

I’d love to know your views on this, or if you’ve been through similar and reassure me I am doing what’s right for my kids! 

 

Picture Credit: opensourceway

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March 8, 2010 - Posted by | Parenting | , , , ,

13 Comments »

  1. Really good post.

    It is not easy but I applaud you.

    In order to get through this, you need to really and truly forgive even those who have so deeply hurt you. If you don’t , your anger will keep sucking you back in.

    Until you do that you cannot go on to live the life you are meant to live.

    i don’t know where you are about belief and belief in God or any of that. If you are an atheist, just ignore the rest of my comment. If you do believe this might help you.

    I believe that the people that have had the most impact on us good and bad are people whose souls prior to birth truly loved us. Their souls loved us enough to be the catalyst and the lesson to teach your soul something that it has chosen to learn and experience here on earth for whatever the reason.

    Or alternately you can say God sent them your way not to punish you but to nudge you in the direction your soul was born and meant to take.

    Email me if you didn’t understand or want to talk more about it.

    Comment by newdaynewlesson | March 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Believe me I understand that more than you probably expected when you wrote it. Forgiveness is something I was talking about with 24 hours of hearing what was going on between them – something I knew I had to work towards because like you say, I don’t want to end up bitter and twisted. I can forgive them because I am happy now, but I can’t and probably never will, understand how they could do it – however, I figure that is on their concious now not mine. I believe it is my Faith and belief in God that makes me able to forgive and I think I worry more that they will understand my forgiveness without thinking of the deeper meaning. I do also worry forgiveness will mean my girls will see the way their Dad acted as being ok because it all worked out in the end! Like I say, I don’t want to change my life now – although the real Mr Right turning up would be nice 😉 Therefore I need to let go of the past!

      Comment by supersinglemum | March 8, 2010 | Reply

  2. Good for you and hear is sending Mr. Right vibes your way.

    Forgiveness does not mean you have to worry about whether someone else has learned their lesson or internalized it. That really is their issue. You were faced with the situation I believe in order to learn about forgiving.

    From experience with close friends of mine and a very similar experience, the betrayal for them is something that they themselves don’t necesserily (sp!) understand. I don’t know in your case, but I know in the case I am talking about the physical betrayal came because of an emotional need to share feelings. I don’t know what was going on by you. Either way-at this point it doesn’t matter.

    As far as your daughters-forgiving and accepting does not mean you have to approve. When she is older that conversation can be had.

    Again-am going to be a bit blunt, but if you are still worrying about the affects of your forgiveness on anyone else, then you need to look deeper inside and see what the issue you are still suffering from actually is-because it is not resolved yet completely. (am sorry am being so blunt, just really want to help you be rid of all these worries about what is going to happen, having to face people..)

    I think with ex’s family-the problem is that they never accepted or seemed to like you. So by this whole incident of ex with your best friend, they were proved right as far as they are concerned.
    I say to hell with them and just go to enjoy your daughter and her joy.

    HUGS!

    Comment by newdaynewlesson | March 8, 2010 | Reply

    • That is exactly why I am going – it hasnt bothered me for 11 years that his mother didnt like me, as for the rest of them they didnt know me. I think you are right but the worry I have is that the forgiveness I feel now will not be enough when it comes to the crunch, hence why now is the time to try and move forward – if I find I can’t deal with it and that really the forgiveness hasn’t been achieved then that too is a reason to go. I’m not sure what I am meaning is coming through here but I agree with what you say and also that what you have said has reassured me that I am doing this for the right reason and at the right time! x

      Comment by supersinglemum | March 8, 2010 | Reply

  3. I meant here not hear. 🙂

    Comment by newdaynewlesson | March 8, 2010 | Reply

  4. That is a lovely, well written post and I really think you are making moves in the right direction. At the end of the day, the important people in all of this is B, H and their baby sister as none of this is their fault and they have a right to be as close to her as they do to each other. I’m not saying that it won’t be difficult, you’re no fool and you know that it will be tough but just put on a brave face and be as confident as you can. You can always go to pieces when you get home and call on your friends because that is what we are here for!!

    I’m really proud of how you have handled all of this, you are an excellant role model for your girls and there’s no questioning that you are the right person for your new job! xx

    Comment by MummyMatters | March 8, 2010 | Reply

    • You know your post about crying at everything? LMAO!!! Thank you it means a lot to know people think I am doing the right thing because it makes it easier with support!!! xxx

      Comment by supersinglemum | March 8, 2010 | Reply

  5. No easy answer to this one but I think you are right about not scurrying off as if you have something to hide, quite the opposite- two beautiful thriving girls. Go, be proud and you don’t have to be overly friendly with anyone – polite and nice is good enough. I think as the girls get older this is a relationship they have, not you. When we were growing up- mum always played it as “go have a nice time with dad/aunt/gran…. I’m going shopping/ haircut/ meet so and so” Use the time as time for you and don’t feel bad or guilty and then the girls will think it is natural and normal (which these days it pretty much is!) Good Luck and I’m sure the girls will do you proud.

    Comment by Clair | March 8, 2010 | Reply

    • Thank you for taking the time to comment, and yes I know what you mean. When they go for their weekends with Daddy that is what I do, but this is the 1st time something has been happening that he has been away for so involves me – but with all these kind words I am sure I can do it now!

      Comment by supersinglemum | March 9, 2010 | Reply

  6. Hi there – found your blog courtesy of Susie at NewDayNewLearning. What a fantastic post. I am a single mum – almost 17 months and counting. I have 2 boys aged 6 and 4. Now, my ex has not yet run off with my best friend and reproduced. But he has just introduced his first girlfriend to our children and it appears that it is serious. They now hang out as a new ‘ family’ every other weekend. She has also spent time with his family.

    Now I don’t know how I would feel if this woman was my best mate. I have tried to imagine which of my friends could possibly do this to me and I cannot imagine it at all. And I know how hard I have found it to come to terms with this new girlfriend – as well as meet her and be super amicable.

    In theory, when my ex and I separated I had this utopian vision of a Demi/Bruce situation, where we would all become a huge extended family for the sake of our amazing kids. Turns out this is a lot harder to put into practice than I’d thought. I still love my ex (not really sure in what capacity at this point) but one of the things I am learning is that the more that I face situations that I don’t want to – put myself into the most uncomfortable situations imaginable against sometimes my better judgement – the easier life becomes.

    My instant reaction a lot of the time is one of anger and hurt still. But then I look at what is best for my kids – as you are doing – and I know that by acting in their best interest I will ultimately be acting in my own.

    You’re being very brave and have an incredible attitude. I really think you are doing the right thing with regards to your ex’s family and even your ex best friend, as hard as it all is.

    I will keep reading, because I am sure you are going to continue to inspire me along the way.

    Comment by Nicola | March 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks, I know I am not alone in what I go through, and as much as I love the support from fellow mum’s, I hope that reading about my “issues” I can also help others to get through theirs. I can’t imagine his new woman being a stranger now, I just remind myself that at least I know she has similar standards as me, her house is clean and she loves my kids because she was very close to B all along and I’m sure it’s no different with H. I’m sure I will keep you all updated on what happens! x

      Comment by supersinglemum | March 9, 2010 | Reply

  7. Two years is the usual time to begin the move on PAST divorce.
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    Comment by Brian Daniel | March 12, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for your comment Brian and I am happy to show the pitch for your book here.

      Comment by supersinglemum | March 12, 2010 | Reply


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