I am constantly amazed about how much I worry about my kids, but just lately I seem to be worrying about everything and I mean everything! It’s all stuff I know is nothing, or is a phase, or isn’t enough to be a serious issue. Today though I found myself worrying more than normal. Today is the last day off work with both girls at home before my ex returns from working away and we start the lovely separated family sharing the kids regime again. So, maybe with that in mind, I am just worrying because what if he gets back and finds something wrong with the kids that he uses against me as a bad mother?
So here is a run down of my day of worry……..woke at 9am, no noise yet from either of the girls – are they ok? No, hang on, there we go H is out of bed and I just heard B cough so both ok. Girls climb in bed with me, I really shouldn’t have started this habit, we should get up and have breakfast. Go to the loo, H cries because I have left her behind, she follows then cries because I am done on the loo and she wants to stay in the bathroom! She cries a lot lately. She can’t be tired she is only just up. Get dressed. B goes to get dressed and has a strop about having nothing to wear. Get clothes out for H, nappies are all downstairs!
We get downstairs and I offer H breakfast, finally she agrees to have Cheerio’s, but they are full of salt and sugar, I really shouldn’t have let her eat them after she was ill and went off Weetabix a few weeks ago. She won’t touch Weetabix now and that was so much more healthy. B comes downstairs in clothes I am sure I threw away a month ago because they are too small for her. Am I crazy? I did sort her clothes out didn’t I?
H ate most of her cereal but now she wants a banana, I know it’s healthy and she could be asking for much worse, but is it really ok that she is only really eating bananas for breakfast these days? Is it a sign of something? Right, it’s now 10am, H needs to be dressed, S*** I didn’t change her nappy when we came downstairs. She probably hates me for making her sit in the same nappy she had on all night. Thankfully it’s not too full.
Off out for the day now. I hope they don’t get bored, we go for a walk, then find a play park. I brought some Hula Hoops with us as a snack as we are out over lunch. Hula Hoops for lunch? That’s not healthy. It’s not as warm as it has been and the kids are bored of the park already so lets head home.
EMERGENCY STOP, H is choking on her Hula Hoops, should have waited for her to finish before we headed home in the car. But she eats so slow, and the plan was they would occupy her so she didn’t nap till we get home. She shifts it before I get to her and B thinks she was going to be sick – because lately H has just been being randomly sick while eating. She’s not ill. And no 1 food triggers it. She didn’t have reflux as a baby, but I can only liken it to that. But it’s not all the time. Anyway, choking issue over so back to driving home – slowly, looking in the rear view mirror at her lots!
We get home at 1pm and now I am feeling really guilty the girls haven’t had lunch. H just wants cheese. She has a Babybel and a yoghurt. B has a babybel, a slice of bread and butter and a yoghurt. H goes for a nap. Me and B wash the car. She does a great job helping. Should I be making her help? Is she really enjoying doing it or just saying that? All done and we are soaked so we both put on our PJ’s. B wants to watch Wizard of Oz so on it goes. I sit and look at her. Is she putting on too much weight? I really should buy her new clothes. Her recent growth spurt means she only has about 3 outfits that fit properly now. Her shape is changing too. She’s only 7 should she really be changing already?
Ok it’s 4.30pm and H still isn’t up. Why is she sleeping so long? I know she used to but lately she has been having an hour max. Need to make tea too. It’s Sunday and we are having chips. That’s not right either is it! Too late to change it now though. H wakes, I cook, we eat in front of the TV. That’s not the norm but I have worn myself out with worry today and guilt is making me break the rules! H eats the ketchup off her spoon, doesn’t touch the fish cake or chips. In fact point blank refuses to even look at them. She even leaves her piece of cake for pudding. She’s hardly eaten today, is this fear that if she eats she will choke or be sick? She hasn’t eaten since the Hula Hoop choking incident other than smooth stuff – yoghurt and ketchup!
Bath time now, B doesn’t want one she is watching Jonathon Creek. Should she really be watching that, not only that should I have recorded it just for her? I run the bath and strip H’s clothes off, her belly looks huge. It’s like a beer belly. Is that normal for her age? Did B look like that at 20 months? No, no, must be fine else Mum would have noticed too. She asks for her toothbrush. I’m sure I should brush her teeth for her but she is little miss independent and likes to do them, but only when she is in the bath! Time to get out. Cuddles downstairs, nappy on, chocolate milk as she won’t drink milk. She won’t drink chocolate milk either lately. One mouthful and she is done. PJ’s on and off to bed. She settles straight away. I really need to get rid of dummy for sleep times though! Oh and I’m sure I should have started potty training already.
Time to read with B. She doesn’t want to read. I convince her. We don’t read enough. I mean we read every day, but should she be doing more especially as it is school holidays. She is also meant to write a bit each day about what she has done and she hasn’t started – we are a week into the holidays too – oops! Haven’t even checked her bag for Maths homework too! Am I really bad at this organisation thing, I bet all the other Mum’s and Dad’s have got homework sorted and PE kits washed – which while I think about it, I still need to do!
And stop, kids are both in bed, I can sit down once I have made lunches for tomorrow. Have I worried about enough. Does every Mum worry about the same things? Can anyone give me any ideas on the whole H refusing to eat thing, oh and the being sick? Worst thing is I know I will have this much worry about my kids till the day I die, the worry will just change!!!
Tomorrow my life starts it’s big change. Tomorrow I collect my car!!!! I don’t really know how I have managed 16 months without one, but I have proved to myself a car is a luxury and I can live without one. However, as you all probably know, I am starting work soon and therefore a car has turned into a necessity!!
Excitement is an understatement. I have waited so long for this point. When I separated from my husband I moved the length of the country to start again near family. I had a great job – no a career – and I had hoped I could move with that but a combination of maternity leave and credit crunch that didn’t happen. I didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do and I think in the back of mind was that once I’d licked my wounds I might move back North. For that reason, starting work down here is a very personal and public declaration that I am here to stay, which I hope won’t be met with groans from my brilliant friends here!
Aside from what it means in me getting back on track, I am so excited about getting back to work. I honestly didn’t think I would, a few months ago when I found out I had got the job I was actually worried about every aspect. Was I really up to the job, was it right for the kids, what about arranging childcare, what about when the girls are ill……… The list was endless. Now it’s nearly here and I will have my car within 24 hours. Childcare is all set up and in place. Oh and yesterday I got my letter with details of my 2 day induction! It’s really happening! I am sure I will blog more about all this as it happens, but I just wanted to let everyone know I feel as excited as a kid the week before Christmas!!!
I am having major issues at the moment with B. She turned 7 in January and for the last month or so she has had the attitude of an adolescent. She grew up quickly when I split from her Dad, she saw me as a vunerable person with feelings no different from her own and I do think at times I try too hard to be her friend rather than her Mum – because I need a friend in her!
A typical day involves her having a pants episode when getting dressed, messing around getting ready for school and then complaining that I am nagging at her to hurry up. After school she will start whining before we have left the school playground. If I ask her what she has been up to at school she snaps at me. Anything I ask her to do she comes out with “I have to do everything” even though all I ask of her is that she tidiesthe toys in an evening and she takes her cups back to the kitchen when finished. I think for a 7 year old that is pretty fair. She shouts and screams at me for the slightest thing, and when I try to discipline her she has a full on tantrum, like a 2 year old would. H has started copying this in that when I say “no” to her, she has a tantrum too.
Yesterday I had a chat with her and told her that if a Police man told her off for something she wouldn’t react the same way. She agreed with me, so I said she should have the same respect for me and her Grandparents because while she is a child, I am like a Police man to her. She kind of understood so I clarified by explaining the Police make sure everyone keeps within the law, which is really a list of laws. So in the same respect, I make sure she keeps the rules of our family. Just as the Police punish people who break the law, so I will punish her if she breaks our rules. After school yesterday B came home and she didn’t raise her voice once, she did what I asked and I was the parent not the friend. Today she woke up and it started again. I reminded her of our chat on many occassions and it did no good. She spent an hour today being sent to her room for her back chat and squealing and I even threw out one of her toys after a tantrum outburst had her throwing it across the room.
Tomorrow I plan to draw up a set of house rules with B, both rules for her and me and these will be on display. Maybe then she will keep the rules better. If not it will have to be the reintroduction of her Incentive Chart – but this only ever seems to work in the short term, until she has earnt what she wants. So if anyone has any other suggestions of things they have tried, or that spring to mind when reading this, then I am all ears!! In the mean time, this sums her up perfectly………
There was a little girl,
And she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was horrid.
I have just been reading the blog of fellow Mum Slummy Single Mummy, about how the age gap between our kids can effect the way we parent. It got me thinking…….
The age gap between my girls is 5 1/2 years and it was neither intentional or accidental. We had spent 3 years “trying” for B, I had ended up on the fertility drug Chlomid, and conceived on the 5th cycle. I had 95% convinced myself I would never be a mum by this point and that was something I couldn’t face. My pregnancy was not what I had expected. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t hard compared to others but I thought I would feel “glowing” for a whole 9 months, but morning sickness was constant through my waking hours till I was 6 months gone, when the indigestion and back ache kicked in. I hated the fact I was covered in stretch marks, I looked like some weird Zebra Woman hybrid!
I had a planned section at 40 weeks as the little tyke was breech. Having been convinced I was having a boy I was surprised to hear “It’s a girl” as she was briefly shown to me over the screen round my head! At the time I couldn’t admit to anyone – not even myself – but I felt like I was lost. I didn’t experience that 1st wave of emotion for B, in fact I didn’t even believe she was mine at first. It took me a while but eventually we built a bond. I grew to love motherhood but blocked my early experiences from memory.
With the hard experience of B, we didn’t really talk about having more kids until B was 3. I was back at work, B was completely dry day and night and as a couple we were getting some time back to us. Life was great and although we had said when we 1st married, that we both wanted a big family, we decided that we would only ever have B because we couldn’t risk her happiness on me having to go through fertility treatment again. We had tried a few times since she was born and never caught so said enough was enough. That all changed just after B turned 4. He had been away with work and came home and said he wanted to give it 1 more go, and see a specialist if need be. We set my 30th birthday as the time limit – if nothing by then we would stop and be thankfully for 1 beautiful girl. Nine months later I was staring at a positive pregnancy test and my gut instinct was pure dread and fear. In hindsight that was over my marriage which was about to crumble, but at the time I even contemplated not telling him and having a termination. (No-one knows that, not till now!) I had never felt so scared and unsure about what to do. I had a management position at work, a great group of no kids friends and a daughter who was at a stage where she was gaining independence by the day. It took me all of 1 minute to push that aside and realise I had conceived without intervention and was over the moon and so my future began.
So as you can see, neither planned or accidental, but the age gap exists. Now it’s not the gap I have an issue with. I had the same gap between me and my brother and my parents did a fantastic job at making sure we were both loved and supported in all we did, and family outings catered for us both where ever possible. What has got me thinking is the fact that B can see the difference in the way I treat them both. She is 7 now, so I do treat her completely different. Mentally she is probably older, she saw me go through a lot while I was pregnant and she had the upheaval of her Daddy moving in with her Mummy’s best friend, who she could no longer see. Oh and moving the length of the country and changing schools without any warning at all. It did mature her but that’s not always a good thing!
I do worry she will take the differences she see’s as meaning I love H more. I don’t! It is true that a mother loves all her children equally. I could never choose one over the other, but at the same time I see them as 2 very different people. H gets away with everything in B’s eyes, B copies H and doesn’t get away with it, H gets a cuddle when she wants one while B is expected to be old enough to understand she has to wait till I am free. I heard something that hit home last week – We spend the 1st years of our kids lives teaching them to walk and talk, and then when they can we tell them to shut up and sit down – that’s so true. H is always on her feet and jabbering away and that’s fine by me, but B gets told to stop it when she does the same! Hopefully in time B will see that things will change as H gets older too, but I do worry that because she is older I expect too much from her! Does anyone else worry about this?
Picture Credit: martintoy
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