OK this may be a strange picture to post but it holds a lot of memories.
Today I bought a jigsaw and went round to my parents to borrow their jigsaw board. Its no ordinary jigsaw board, it was a child gate at my grandparents house and is older than me. I remember it being used across the bedroom door when I stayed there as a child. Its also covered in graffiti by my mum, aunty and uncle! It really does remind me of childhood days and family!! Amazing how such a plain object means so much more!
This week my song for Saturday is the Bonnie Tyler classic, Total Eclipse of the Heart. This is a song which holds many memories for me.
Firstly it reminds me of being a kid without a care in the world! In particular it reminds me of me and my friend Emma dressing up and using my bed as a stage to make up dance routines to songs, of which this was our favourite! The main thing was we had to start ALL routines facing the wall and turning around at the start – I think that must have been the way it was done on TV at the time!
The other memories are tied to family, on a family holiday to Gran Canaria 3 years ago this one was always requested by my aunty at the bar we went to, and since then I have had the “pleasure” of hearing her sing it with or without a mic!!
Whichever memory this one sparks, it always makes me smile!!
I woke this morning to the sound of my radio alarm as normal. I half heard a news article about new statistics showing that 100 babies a year die due to be born out of normal working hours. I pressed snooze and rolled over.
Driving to work I heard the same news piece and being awake was able to listen. The evidence says babies born out of normal working hours are more likely to die if they need special assistance, in particular due to oxygen starvation. I got a lump in my throat and began welling up with my own horrific flash backs. How poignant this should be mention just 48 hours before H’s 2nd birthday.
This time 2 years ago I was on the countdown, 11 days overdue, I had already had a sweep and was due to be induced the next day. I was apprehensive, although I already had B, she was a planned section due to being breech – I felt like I should have felt the 1st time round, not knowing what was to come.
Those who know me or have read other posts know the story, I was induced and all was going well, but in the early hours of 18th July 2008 things went wrong. It was known by me, something was wrong, I felt it. I was rushed to theatre and put under a general anaesthetic as time was the key. I prayed, let her live no matter what happens to me – the one and only time in my life I have embraced the idea that death could be round the corner.
When I woke, I knew H must be fine, because I was sure I wouldn’t have survived if she hadn’t. I was expecting her to be lying beside me, but she wasn’t there. Panic set in, I didn’t care how I was, I wanted my baby. I was told she was in SCBU due to being starved of oxygen, as my womb had torn and she had been delivered into my stomach cavity. At this point she was breathing for herself. A few hours later she was put on a ventilator and had to be sedated as she was fighting against it. I was told to be prepared as no one knew what would happen.
The first time I saw my daughter she looked like a doll, the only movement being her lungs as the ventilator did it’s job. It didn’t feel real that just 24 hours earlier she was inside me, being active and healthy. It was hard, she was on the ventilator only 12 hours, although we had been told to expect her to be on it for at least 48 hours. I never once let myself believe she wouldn’t survive. The staff were fantastic, they answered all my questions and were completely honest. She could be brain damaged if she survived, she may take a long time to catch up with mile stones. As long as she lived I would deal with anything.
She lived of course and although now my flash backs to those awful, yet joyful days don’t happen so frequently, this is the time of year I feel it most. The memories are as vivid as if they were yesterday. The heart ache is as strong, maybe stronger now than when she was born. I don’t know what I would have done had she been one of those in the statistic that’s come out today. What I do know, is that the the midwifes, paediatricians and SCBU nurses at Peterborough SCBU and Maternity Ward did an amazing thing 2 years ago and they don’t get enough praise. They continue without question, to help new born babies over come what is a very difficult start to life and I for one can’t thank them enough.
Two years on and H is a happy, chatty, well developed little girl. She is very intelligent for her age and has so far hit every development stage early or on time. It amazes me a child who would have most probably been still born only 10 or 15 years ago, now shows no signs of the start she had. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child, I am so thankful I am not one of those, but I can begin to imagine the awful pain that parents go through.
Inside these walls a lot has happened,
Memories that aren’t just for me!
The echoes of a family, the generations, the years.
As a child these walls to me were home, I remember the words
“Going home for the week”
To visit the family, rest, laugh and cry.
I never lived in that house, although I stayed over a lot
If a place could hold the meaning of love this is it.
For marriages, christenings and funerals alike,
we’ve congregated, celebrated and mourned
We’d take out the old, and bring in the new,
eat mushy peas and mint sauce as the years passed.
The women in the kitchen, the men in the room, the kids mingling and being told to move
The dogs that always got special treats, even though no dog had lived there!
Now those walls sit empty
Not one of us want to let go
But what are walls without the people that make them?
It’s not the same without Grandma, life and age have meant that she’s with us in our homes.
No matter what happens from here, when the time comes I pray the echo’s of the years and generations shout through
And I hope the same joy is blessed on the next family
Look after it and it will look after you!
I’m sure everyone has read the email which circulates regularly, with the message that people are in our lives for a specific reason. I don’t remember the exact words but you will know the one I mean. Now I seem to remember it says that friends enter our lives for either a reason, a season or a lifetime. I think that’s a really nice way to look of it instead of labelling people as “fair weather” friends. So in a nutshell, you have those friends who come into our lives when we need them, but only stay until that need has passed. This would be friends who you work with, who never become friends out of work and you loose contact when one or the other leaves the work place. Then you have the friends who are in your life for a considerable amount of time, but all seasons come to a natural end and so is the same with this type of friendship. Maybe this would cover friends at school or University. You share a big part of your life but then when life takes the next turn, your friendships change. Then, once in a while, your lucky enough to find a friend who stays in your life forever. The friend that you can move away from but still be as close to. The friend who would travel to the ends of the earth to help you at 3am for what ever reason.
I find it hard these days to forge friendships because I had the trust completely taken advantage of by a friend I thought was in my life for a lifetime. However, I have made new friends and kept hold of lots of old ones. At this moment in time I would say I only have 1 definite “lifetime” friend, one who I have worked with, got drunk with, talked through my marriage breakup with, live the length of the country from and only see once or twice a year – but it’s always as though we’ve never had great gaps in contact and I see myself as so priveledged to have this kind of friendship. I do however have 3 friends right now who I class as much more than reason, and hope they are not seasonal – but havn’t known them long enough yet to class as “lifetime”. But, as is the natural cycle, we are reaching a joint end of season and as much as we all look forward to what life holds for each one of us, I for one am also a little apprehensive about what will happen to the dynamics of our friendships.
Today was the penultimate day where the 4 of us will be in a room together for probably some time if not ever. We met at the Children’s Centre to have a little surprise “Good Luck” party for mumtoj who is hopefully moving to Oz in the next few weeks. We didn’t manage to get her to shed a tear (although admit it, you were close to it when I dropped you home after!), however, I felt a pang of realisation that it’s all change now!! Also in the room was another brilliant friend MummyMatters who is happily 3 months pregnant, about to move (only down the road) and the fantastic BS (who hasn’t been convinced she should Blog yet), who is hoping to go to college in September and then on to Uni to get into nursing. Oh and me, starting work on Monday and so won’t be able to get to all our weekly groups. It’s all change, and all for the good but the chances are some of us will lose touch, if not in the short term then quite possible over time, events in life will make it harder to keep the friendships to what they have been. So, here is my message to my friends, and also to anyone who has lost touch with friends and feels regret:
I love our friendship
Remember the fun times we had, smile at the pictures and laugh with the memories and know that I am sat doing the same.
I hope I touched your life like you did mine, you made a difference and without you my life would be very different now.
It’s sad that sometimes we lose touch with people who mean the world to us, but know this – you mean as much to me now, as you did when we laughed and cried together, you mean as much to me now as the friend I am sharing stories with, and whenever I think of you I hope you are happy and loved with other friends in my place.
Too all my friends, past, present and future I thank you for making me the person I have grown into today, and the person I will become tomorrow.
I have just realised that kind of sounds like I am walking away from my friendships, that’s not the case, I just want you all to know that should life mean we grow apart, well that’s just what life is like and it doesn’t change the fact that you are all, and always will be, in my heart!
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