It’s the big mystery of the human race, what is love, when do you know you have found it and how does it make you feel. When I was younger I used to dream of falling in love, like in the fairytales where the prince whisks the princess off her feet, they get married and live happily ever after.
When I was 18 I met who I thought was my prince, I fell in love and we married after only 7 months. I was happy beyond anything I thought was possible. We were together for almost 9 years and had 2 beautiful daughters together. Unfortunately it fell apart and while pregnant with our 2nd child I became a single mum.
To me the illusion of love was broken at that point. My happily ever after was a myth.
A few years later I met Mr D. We were friends and it progressed into more but only lasted 18 months. I believed it was love. My heart never skipped a beat. I never felt that spark. I believed that was obviously just how first love felt and plodded along.
Fast forward a bit further and I decided to give online dating another go. I’d not had much luck in the past, either through chatting to strange blokes or just never having the nerve to meet someone. So this time I told myself I would do it seriously. I would be 100% me on my profile, not the me I thought blokes might want to meet. I would talk to guys online as me, stop contact if they gave me any reason to think there was something strange about them and actually meet someone I felt a connection to.
After a few days I got a message from Mr K, just saying hi and did I want to chat, I checked out his profile and sent a message back. We chatted online for a few days and both decided we wanted to meet. A week later we had our first date. That was at the end of July and now I really do know how love feels. I know it has only been 3 months, and actually I knew I loved him the moment I saw him, but this is true love and I can now see that the love I thought I felt at 18 was because of the ideal I had in my head not because of true love.
So, when do you know? Well, it might sound like a cliche but you just know! When true love knocks on your door you’ll know it as it will be the best feeling in the world ever!
Yes yet again I have taken inspiration from a song for my latest post!
Thing is, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about love, friendship and feelings. Most of you know my background as to how I became a single mum, and due to that it has taken me a while to get back to a position where I can trust enough to make new friends. I am there now though, I have made a new life for myself in a new area and I love my life. Thing is though, I think I have forgotten what “Love” is, in the sense of a relationship. I mean, I know what the love for my kids feels like, and the love for my family and my friends.
I think part of me doesn’t want to remember the feeling, until it happens. Although when will that be!!! I’ve given internet dating a go, which isn’t for me but that’s another story. Other than that I find it very difficult to meet blokes, my work is very female orientated and I’m really not enthused by the idea of going to a bar on the pull. So I’ve resigned myself to it not happening, but what if that means I miss what is right in front of my eyes?
In my perfect world, love is wanting to be with someone 24/7, always having a smile on my face, always agreeing with the other person on everything, not having to worry about the little things, going away for weekends at the drop of a hat. But at the same time love isn’t necessarily all these things so am I looking too hard for perfection that is meerly just a dream.
For those Twilight fans out there, I feel like Bella, except its all hypothetical! Do I search for my Edward and settle for nothing less, or do I accept Jacob because really that’s life! Is finding someone that makes you smile and laugh, but also winds you up some times; someone who makes a difference in the small ways, but doesn’t make the earth move; is that the person I should be looking for??? Love takes many forms and having had the heart skips a beat, intense and overpowering love before – that didn’t work out – am I setting my sights too high that 12 years on from then I’m not going to find that now!
Just a little insight into the random mind of me!!!! But I’d love to hear you’re views!
Inside these walls a lot has happened,
Memories that aren’t just for me!
The echoes of a family, the generations, the years.
As a child these walls to me were home, I remember the words
“Going home for the week”
To visit the family, rest, laugh and cry.
I never lived in that house, although I stayed over a lot
If a place could hold the meaning of love this is it.
For marriages, christenings and funerals alike,
we’ve congregated, celebrated and mourned
We’d take out the old, and bring in the new,
eat mushy peas and mint sauce as the years passed.
The women in the kitchen, the men in the room, the kids mingling and being told to move
The dogs that always got special treats, even though no dog had lived there!
Now those walls sit empty
Not one of us want to let go
But what are walls without the people that make them?
It’s not the same without Grandma, life and age have meant that she’s with us in our homes.
No matter what happens from here, when the time comes I pray the echo’s of the years and generations shout through
And I hope the same joy is blessed on the next family
Look after it and it will look after you!
It’s 2.30am, bump has been wriggling about since I came to bed and all I want is a hug from my man who has been working away for 6 weeks and is on his last night of night shift before our long awaited weekend together. I hear the bedroom door open and the words “Are you awake I need to talk to you”. I know it’s over, after accusing him of seeing someone else, and being told not that he loves me and never would want any other, but that it says a lot about our relationship if I trust him so little. But the words hit my heart like a knife as he tells me it’s not just anyone but my best friend of 15 years, who had stayed with for the 6 weeks he was working away. Bump kept wriggling in oblivion of the fact my world has crashed. In the next room B sleeps deeply in her world of dreams. Even the dog is walking around tail wagging not realising life has ended. The knife is twisting and hurting even more as I listen to the words that seem to fall so easily from his lips, the lips that only 24 hours ago were mine. It’s not an affair, he loves her, he never loved me that way, it’s over, he will move out, I can stay in the house, he wants to be with her, he has always loved her since the 1st time he saw her……….why all the words, surely with this amount of pain my heart will burst and so I will die and I don’t need to be told this as life is over.
NO life can’t be over, bump is still reassuring me inside, the kicks are strong now, stronger than the pain and I know what I have to do. It will be hard, there will be tears and I will miss my friends, my work and my life but I have to go and start again. A new life. I have to go where my heart can heal. I have to be with people who can help me, support me and most of all I have to make sure my children don’t feel the pain I am in right now. I have to go to the only place I can think of going, where I know there will be open arms, where I know there is unconditional love, I pick up the phone….”Mum, can I come home?……….”
Picture Credit: h.koppdelaney
That was almost 2 years ago. I’ve proved myself wrong and everyone else right – I can do it and I do it every day without even thinking about it. Oh don’t get me wrong, the thought of that night, writing it down and recalling the emotion is still hard because you never loose the memory of pain that betrayal causes. But I am 100% happier than I remember for a long time. Being a single parent was something I never thought or planned to be. I didn’t think for a second that H would end up with a half sister only 13 months younger than her. But life does sometimes throw the unexpected at us. And to top that, other people throw stereotypes around and think that because my marriage ended while I was pregnant and that I moved the length of the country, that obviously I had the affair, and the baby must not have the same Dad as B. Oh and because I went into the benefits system I am now a scrounger, even though I lost my job due to the combination of moving, maternity leave and the credit crunch.
So why write about this? Why now if I am so happy? Why bring this up again, everyone knows my story, everyone knows it’s been hard and I have learnt to shrug the stigmas off and not care what others think! Well it’s because now I feel I can walk away from the old life and truly run into my new life. I wake up everyday with a smile and my girls are happy (well, excluding the usual kids stuff). I’m starting work soon and I have just had a brilliant end to my week which has made me realise “I’ve done it!” This brilliant end to the week included a day of non stop laughter and smiles with three people who I can say are my best three “Since I became single” friends, i.e. they didn’t know me in my old life. So, here’s the sentimental stuff, Friend #1: Thank you for showing me that this sort of crap happens to others and that not only can I take help I can give it too, we’ve had some fantastic times, too many to mention here and you know I love you and here’s to many more. Friend #2: I for one wish you weren’t moving to Oz, sod the kids missing each other, I’m going to miss you and our mid week trips out with the kids. I hope you find happiness and I do understand that sometimes a new place can mean change in a lot of ways – Good Luck! And Friend #3: I gave you Twilight and you gave me blogging and boy oh boy am I grabbing this by both hands! We’ve had some laughs and if ever your feeling like you need a laugh I will gladly thread a bracelet and then drop it everywhere – your laughing now aren’t you!!!
Picture Credit: aussiegal
I’ve probably bored all my other readers now, but the moral to this tale is simple; life only throws at us what we can deal with, and that which doesn’t kill us makes us a hell of a lot stronger. Change might not be wanted but we have to grasp it in both hands and make the most of it and who knows, we may end up happier in the long run – I have, every morning I wake with only 1 certainty, that there will be satisfaction guaranteed!
- Current Affairs
- Family Life
- Guest Blog Post
- Me, myself and I
- Mummy Tummy Begone
- My 101 Things
- Product Reviews
- Race for Life
- School and Childcare
- Secret Post Club
- Song Saturday
- The Gallery
- Working Mum