Well it is official I have fallen out of love this Valentines Day. It’s been one of those relationships that’s had it’s ups and downs and this time I think there is no way back. My car is out of action again! Now back in November time my car was playing up and I had some work done on it and since then it’s been fantastic. It’s coming up to MOT time again and I know it won’t pass, but on top of that, this morning it wouldn’t start. Tomorrow it’s getting towed away to find out what is wrong.
So, I now have the task of weighing up how much it is worth ploughing money into this car. I do a lot of miles for work and can’t work without wheels and I have been lucky enough not to need finance for anything since becoming single. I don’t want to live beyond my means, but yesterday I found out my job is definitely secure for another 2 and half years, so in that sense maybe it’s time to bite the bullet and cut my loses with this car.
Then there’s the whole emotional thing. Back in October I had half term off, was ill for all of it and was shortly after signed off for 5 weeks due to my depression. On the plus side I am now slowly reducing my meds and should be off them by the end of the month. Today is the first day since my dosage reduced that I have seen the me from months ago. I panicked about the car, I burst into tears and started with the whole “curse of half term” thoughts. I did however, get myself out of it. I walked to where I needed to go, yes it took about 2 hours instead of 30 minutes, but I have still done what I intended to do today. Tomorrow I am still doing what I planned to, but I’m no longer driving – no great issue there either. I’m thinking positive and not letting myself fall – 5 months ago I wasn’t able to do that.
Now it’s a waiting game, see what gets said tomorrow as to where I go with it, fingers crossed for an easy cheap solution! Here’s hoping!!
On Monday i blogged about the fact I was starting to feel better. Oh how I wish I had kept my mouth shut! Tuesday and Wednesday I had that awful numb “I feel nothing” feeling. Then yesterday the tears returned. I don’t like to cry although I do cry easily. I find it’s a release if I am angry or upset about something, but when it is just uncontrollable crying for nothing I feel like a complete idiot, even when I am sat here on my own!
I have a week until I see the doctor again for a chat about how I am getting on and how to move forward. I know I was told that the side effects would last 1-2 weeks and I would start to feel better in 2-4 weeks but I was possibly kidding myself last week that the tablets were kicking in. I think as it turns out, the drowsy side effects were just meaning I switched off from my feelings for a while. The side effects are now wearing off, I no longer feel sick when I eat and I’m not yawning as much, but emotionally I feel back where I started! I am due to go back to work next Thursday and whilst that is a week away I am already getting panicy about it – not that I don’t want to get better or go back to work because to be honest time with my colleagues is something I do miss. Yet I’m convinced that going back to work is going to knock me back again. I know it’s a week away though and hopefully I will be feeling different though.
Thing is though I am really conscious that the people around me are fed up with it too. B keeps asking me if I am ok, to which I always say yes, so she asks why I am not at work! Mr D comes round in an evening and I can be happy and chirpy one minute and in tears the next, with no explanation. As for my family they are there for support but I don’t think any of them really get it. I don’t want to talk about it all the time but it’s always there.
I’ll keep on going, I am fed up big time of feeling this way. I wish I could just pull myself together and cheer up, but it’s really not that easy. I really feel like I am loosing me at the moment and that’s the scariest thing!
A few weeks ago I blogged about how I have been feeling lately and I got some fantastic responses, not just through my blog, but on twitter and email as well as plucking up the courage to let Mr D in on just how bad I was feeling by getting him to read my post! I did wonder whether to follow up on this because it is a pretty personal thing, but figured that 1. I found it quite therapeutic to write how I was feeling and this may be of help to me and 2. It may well help someone else out there who is going through similar issues to do something about it.
Two weeks ago I went to see the doctor, I walked in the room and burst into tears. I felt stupid. I thought I was wasting the doctors time. I was expecting to be told to pull myself together and get on with it. He requested blood tests to rule out any physical issue that may be making me feel this way and gave me a questionnaire to fill in and bring back a week later. I then drove to work and told my boss how I was feeling. Thankfully I work with people who understand all about mental illness and I was advised to take some time off, because although not physically ill, it was clear I needed to get sorted out. I shared how I was feeling with my family. I had my blood tests done and I waited for the results.
On my return to the doctors I was told my blood tests were fine and although I have to have one of them redone due to a borderline result, there was nothing there as cause for concern. I handed my questionnaire to the doctor and he said “Hmmm yes”. That was the moment I heard the words, “You are suffering from moderate to severe depression.” I wasn’t surprised, to be honest I was relieved. I wasn’t making things up. I wasn’t just in a bad mood all the time. I had an answer.
I have been taking anti depressants for a week now. The side effects are pretty yuck. They make me drowsy and so my doctor has signed me off for another 2 weeks, by when the side effects should have died down. I feel nauseous when I have eaten and my concentration isn’t what it normally is. Doesn’t paint a great picture I know, but, I am now starting to see the light. Yesterday I woke up with a smile. I still didn’t want to get out of bed, but I did. I dropped off the girls, went to Tesco without feeling paranoid about people watching my every move, I wrapped a load of Christmas pressies and I cooked a lovely tea for me and the girls. I’m getting there. I’m starting to feel like me again. And I can honestly say I am now so glad I posted that blog post!
Depression effects 1 in 4 people in the UK at some point in their lives, yet so much is still not understood and accepted. For a long time I have gone through hard times and been scared to talk to anyone for fear of being judged as inadequate as a mother, a partner and just in general as a person. Truth of the matter is though, depression is caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain and whilst can be brought on by trauma, is not something anyone should be judged on. I know I am lucky to have a supporting partner, family and boss, but I would urge anyone fighting with depressive symptoms to ask for help. I won’t sit with regret that maybe had I spoken up sooner I could have got through this without medication, with counselling and other drug free remedies, hind sight is a wonderful thing. I would however, love for the prejudices and lack of knowledge about mental health to change!
I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can’t wait to get there!!
I know that there’s logic, the things that are clear,
The things that make sense and are right,
I know that I want to keep people near,
To hold those who are dear to me tight!
The problem is all inside my head,
It’s ugly and evil and comes out when I’m down,
Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be dead,
But at this moment in time I’m glad to be alone.
Something in my mind is telling me,
Something in my mind won’t let me be,
Something in my mind doesn’t want me to be free
And I just want to be happy!
I don’t like to cry or be upset,
I know I can solve any problem I face,
I think it’s time that my fears are met,
And I can put my demons in their place.
I just thought I would share with you how happy I am lately! I know, I know, all happy, happy, happy and your probably all fed up of hearing me write “nice” things. The thing is though, I’m wondering if it is just me or if everyone else is feeling a sudden burst of happiness now that spring has sprung.
This week I have been driving to work with my sunglasses on because it is actually sunny, singing along my way and willingly being able to get out of bed in a morning. Life has taken on a whole new meaning again. So, fair enough, I have started a new job, got my own car, I’m slowly sorting out the disorganised house and so all of that together is surely why i am feeling so good at the moment?
Well that could be true, but you know what I don’t actually think that’s all it is. I did make light hearted comments with friends back in October/November ish about how I thought I was maybe suffering from SAD because every winter I take a downward turn. The slightest little thing can get me down. Not a bad depression, never bad enough for me to have sought help for it, but enough that I noticed it and so did friends. Even though I wasn’t working, I didn’t want to get out of bed at all, and during the day I just wanted to sleep. I was constantly cold and just wanted to hibernate. I probably hit the lowest point just before Christmas, but then received my job offer and that helped to pull me out a little.
I hadn’t given it a second thought since then. Life has just been life since then and I have got up every morning, done what needs to be done and gone to bed at night. I discovered blogging and started work and then this week something fantastic happened. I found my high spirits again. My good mood is back. And so is the sun. It’s not dark in the mornings and it’s not dark early in the evening. Oh and today, my day off, and the temperature was in the low 20’s – which is pretty good considering it’s not even mid April yet! There surely has to be a connection. Does anyone else suffer with SAD, or have you noticed a shift in your general mood since Spring began?
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