When to Step In

As a mum, I try my hardest to make sure my girls are growing into well balanced, caring and strong people. I’m not one of those parents who is constantly on the schools back because something isn’t quite right, I don’t get involved when B has friends over or when Mr D’s kids are here and there are heated debates about what to play. I think it’s just as important for kids to know how to resolve difficulties as it is for them to be polite.

Lately B has been acting strange. I can’t pinpoint a specific time as it’s been a gradual thing, but I would say the first things I noticed were around the time the schools all went back in September. B has always been quite highly strung, just like me. She has little patience with things and if she is asked to do something she will sometimes be very verbal about the fact she doesn’t want to. These behaviours have got worse lately though. Then there was the school residential trip where she came home every night for a week saying she will have to have her own room because no one wants to share with her. I’d been asking if anything was going on and got nothing from her but I had a gut feeling something was up.

B takes after me in many ways, she likes to be in a group of friends, but likes to have her voice. She isn’t a sheep and never has been. She won’t follow the crowd just to be “cool” and she will speak out if someone upsets her. She has also in the past couple of years, changed from being friends with everyone as kids are when little, to only playing with a specific group of friends. She never speaks of a particular best friend but it is clear that she has friends and isn’t a loner.

On Sunday, whilst at my parents for dinner, B announced that she is fed up of one particular friend who bosses her around, tells her to shut up, decides who can play with B and makes her feel rubbish. She went on to say that when they go to after school club, this girl then chases B round saying she will now be her friend and that she wants to play. After a bit more talking this came out as being because said girl knows no one else at that after school club so B is the only person she can talk to. With the help of my mum and a few hangover induced tears from me, B saw that I understand how she feels, after going through the same myself as a kid I really did mean it when I told her I know how she feels. I told her to stand up for herself and that if it gets too much to tell a teacher. B felt better about herself and I was confident things would be ok.

Unfortunately within 5 minutes of picking up B on Tuesday she was in tears again. She said she had asked this girl why it was that she felt the need to boss her about and this girl had then had a go at her again. B said she had told the teacher who didn’t know what to do as they have not had a falling out as such. I suggested that at parents evening on Thursday I speak to her teacher about it and B agreed this would be a good idea. Thing is though, just 24 hours later B is telling me the have sorted things out and she feels much better. Apparently the girls mum had also had a word with her saying her attitude and behaviour to others is out of control, the girl apologised to B and said she will try and be a better friend.

Now I know what is going on isn’t bulllying in the classic sense, but part of me knows this change in spirits from the girl in question won’t last forever. I want B to be able to fight her corner and stand up for herself, but we all have experience of people making us feel like crap and it really isn’t nice. I just don’t know at what point to step in. As it stands B is happy so I am happy. At what point do you step in with your children, especially when it comes to issues with their friends?