What I have found though is the way some people talk to me and also the way I have been now I have been officially diagnosed with depression. Before my diagnosis I have worked with and known plenty of people who suffer from depression of some sort and I do think that it depends on who the person is and the reason for their depression as to how to speak to them. It does take an understanding of depression to be confident with those who have depression and I think sometimes that’s what our society lacks. So here’s my take on depression and what you can do for friends and family that suffer!

First of all, there are 2 types of depression. There is circumstantial depression. (These are my terms not medical terms). This is when someone is depressed because of an event that has happened in their life, death of a loved one, break up of a marriage, being made redundant.  This is the kind of depression that has a trigger, it can usually be managed by counselling and may require medication. Then there is the other type of depression, which whilst has a trigger, it is sometimes seemingly out of the blue. The type I am talking about here would include Post Natal Depression, SAD and in my case, a bout of depression that seemingly came out of no where. I said the whole way through, that I am happy, work was good, me and Mr D were all good, nothing had happened to act as a trigger. From talking to the doctor I would say I have suffered silently since I was a teen, but mainly since B was born 9 years ago. I’ve managed it myself but this time it was worse.

The most important thing though, is that in all cases depression is an illness, caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain – whether this imbalance is caused by a specific trigger or an underlying possible genetic tendency (again, this is not based on medical fact, this is my view), it is an illness. If I had tonsillitis I would expect to be asked how I am but not the in’s and out’s of why I have it and what the prognosis is. Yet I have found that when people know I am being treated for depression they talk to me different, ask me how I am a lot, tip toe around speaking to me in the normal way in case they upset me. I don’t know if it is a conscious thing but all I would say is, talk to me how you always have!!

As for me, I noticed as I started to feel better I felt guilty for laughing. As the medication kicked in I reached a stage where i could hold it together in public or with friends and then let go when I was on my own, the tears were still there but they were once again hidden. To me inside that was a sign of being on the way back up as I have this stage on the way down too. Yet I found myself laughing or being daft with the kids and then pulling back from it, as if I had no right to laugh because I have depression. I guess this is part of the way depression takes hold. It does sometimes feel like the devil on your shoulder saying you are not allowed to enjoy yourself!

I am now back at work, hence the lack of posts on here for a while, and things are going well. I’m doing everything I have always done, the only difference is that at the moment I still need that tablet each morning. Oh and I still can’t drink yet, had a glass of wine on Christmas day and honestly forgot things I had said!!! It was a weird feeling, like being drunk without the slurred words, like flying without leaving the seat! So I am not going there again!!! I hope my little insight will help you to understand depression more, and remember, it’s still the same person inside so treat them how you always do and that’s the best way to aid anyone’s recovery!

I love this advert, sums it up great – this is a longer version of the advert we see on TV and brings a smile to my face every time!!!

This is all new to me, when B was that age she was the only child in a house bigger than this one and so generally played downstairs where I could see her. She never wanted to play in her room, in fact it’s only really in the last 6 months she has started doing that. So I had a dilemma, let H play in her room or not. If only I had a way of keeping an eye on her without her thinking I am watching her….

Then I got an email from Storage Options about their new range of Products, one of which being the KidCam. At first I was a little sceptical this would be what I was looking for but I was sent it to try out and I cannot sing it’s praises enough. Take a look on the website for the specifications, but here’s my view on the product. The two cameras are small and light weight and come with two different stands, one which uses suction to attach to a window or mirror, and another which can be used as a stand, or attached to the wall with screws (not supplied). Then there is the monitor unit which also has a stand or can be carried around the house as the units are completely wireless. Three chargers are included so all 3 units can be charged at the same time.

I was expecting the pairing process to be a pain. It’s always the case, when you get a new bluetooth headset or want to sort out your wireless network, it is never as easy as the instructions would have you believe. Imagine my shock when I switched on the units and they were already paired. It is all done in the factory so it is literally power on and go. The great thing is that you can have the monitor streaming live video with sound from either camera. You can also have a split screen to see the feeds from both cameras at the same time. The also work in the dark through infra red, and it really is a clear picture day or night.

I have to say the KidCam really has changed the amount of independence I can let H have, and I am sure as she grows the use of the KidCam will adapt, for instance to cover her playing in the garden while I sort the washing. I guess the benefits are endless especially as a single parent, two kids with only one set of eyes can be hard!

Adapters are available for you to use the device in the car, and also available are the BabyCam Car and BabyCam Nursery, so whatever your child monitoring needs they have something for you.

I was sent this to review and have to say I was sceptical it would work, but I am very impressed. It holds my phone securely and looks great. It would fit in the home or the office and makes a great talking point when people see it for the first time!! Take a look at this and other promotional gifts here. With 4 more sleeps you’ll find some great ideas without the hassle of queuing!!

I’ve come a long way in five weeks. I’m feeling much happier in myself, I’m not in tears at the littlest thing and I want to get back to normal. Five weeks ago I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I didn’t think anything could lift the fog of depression. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not “fixed” yet. Recovering from depression takes time and I know that tomorrow morning I may wake up and want the world to go away. The difference now is that I have the ability to make myself do things no matter how hard it is.  So watch this space on how my day goes!

I am worried, worried being at work will knock me back, worried I’m not yet ready and so will mess up and effect my confidence. As the doctor said though, it is a case of trying it and seeing how it goes, the reassurance I can go and get signed off again if it gets too much is like a crash net beneath me so I know I won’t hit rock bottom again. I’ve also got the benefit of it being almost Christmas, so with bank holidays and annual holiday already booked, I’m pretty much only working 7 days over the next 3 weeks. So a slow steady return to work will hopefully be the best way to ease myself back to normal!

My biggest fear is not how I will be round my colleagues, but how I will be working with the families I work with. I’ve noticed lately I will panic uncontrollably over silly little things, like being in a very crowded room for H’s Christmas Concert, or meeting friends for a meal – what if they don’t turn up, what if the food is awful as I suggested the venue, what if they ask how I am and I cry…………..

Watch this space!

Step one – shout help ~ check

Step two – take some time ~ check

Step three – back to work ~ here goes!!

I was contacted again recently about reviewing their Christmas range and again I wasn’t disappointed. As you would expect from Clintons, I was sent a box of Christmas cards, but also some little gift ideas. The cards were quality you expect from a top card retailer, but I was blown away with the price. There are 15 cards in the box I received, and they sell at £1 a box. If that’s not good enough value, while stocks last they are buy one get one half price!

As you would expect from Clintons, their gifts are also top quality and there is so much choice. It’s always hard to know what to buy for a new born baby at Christmas, so how about the Baby’s First Christmas range. And the soft toys they have are amazing. I was lucky enough to be sent one and H touched it once and fell in love with it! I had hoped for him to sit on my bed but he hasn’t left her bed since she smuggled him to bed the other night!!

I’ve seen a lot of debate recently about how the high street is dying in towns and city’s throughout the country. There’s so much talk of people supporting their high streets. I will hold my hands up and say most of my shopping has been done online this year for a number of reasons, one of which being cost. I think what Clintons have proved to me twice now is that it is not necessarily true that high street is more expensive. So for any last minute stocking fillers, Christmas cards or gifts to be cherrished, why not pop into your local Clintons and grab yourself a good deal!

1. Plan early. Half term in our house is time to write to Santa. By this point Santa has already started on the stocking fillers and little extra’s and has a rough idea of what the kids will put on their lists, but it gives him almost 2 months to make sure there is a good chance of finding those presents the kids have asked for. Also part of planning early is to budget, allowing some Christmas funds from September onwards means once those lists are sent, Santa can get the main pressies straight away. This is a really good idea if the kiddies are asking for the years most wanted toys!

2. Use the internet. This is the first year I have done most of my Christmas shopping online and I have to say I was worried in the past that things wouldn’t arrive, or I would still want to go shopping and end up spending more. Actually, I’ve managed to get everything I had planned to, found some really good extra’s that I wouldn’t have looked at on the high street, had it delivered to my door and no sore feet and shopping rage in sight! I am all for supporting our high streets, but that said, money is tight and when the internet is cheaper and more convenient that’s where I will shop!

3. Keep track of what you have. I have really gone a little mad this year, Santa thinks my girls deserve everything he has got them. It’s just a good job I have plenty of storage space! I have tried to keep an up to date list of everything, in order to try and keep an even quantity for both girls. It’s not worked perfectly as I keep finding things I didn’t put on the list, then having to even it up again! It is important though to keep track of things because when starting in September, it’s easy to forget some of the things bought!

4. Do what works for your family. Gone are the days where Christmas is spent in one place, with one group of people. In our society of broken families, extended families and children having 2 Christmas’, it’s easy to get lost in the organisation trying to keep everyone happy. Make sure you do what is right for your family not everyone else. It’s too stressful to try and accommodate everyone’s wishes so sometimes there is need for compromise, but whatever the plans are make sure everyone knows before hand what is going to happen.

5. Time Out. I don’t know about you but at Christmas more than ever I need time out for me. I need to switch off from it all. Maybe it’s part of my depression, although I will admit I feel like this every year, that if it’s Christmas none stop for December I overload and feel slightly crazy! Make sure at least once or twice a week there is time with no wrapping, no shopping, no eating loads of mince pies etc. Just normal nights or days where you do what you do the rest of the year. For me, the Christmas season is the most important time for me time.

6. Santa’s PNP. If you have never experienced Santa’s Portable North Pole, then you really should take a look. A few minutes and uploading of photo’s later, and you have a personalised video message from Santa for anyone, young or old, naughty or nice! I have used this free service for 3 years now and it never fails to bring a huge smile to both B and H’s faces. As we get closer to Christmas B even mentions this before I have thought about it, wondering if Santa will send a message again!

7. Charitable Giving. I know charity should begin at home and in todays economic climate money is tight for everyone. Charity Christmas cards have been around for years but for the last few years I have taken it further. I no longer send cards to everyone. I send them to people around me who I see, and I send to my close family. I don’t, however, post them out to everyone in my life. I used to. Now, I give that money I would have spent on cards and postage to charity. Lets face it, I put my Christmas cards in the bin on January 5th when I take down the decorations. So does everyone I used to send cards to. I hope my charity donation will have more of an impact than my cards would have!

8. Remember what Christmas is all about. For Christians, Christmas marks the birth of Jesus Christ our Saviour. Whether you believe this or not you can still take from it the biggest of Christmas messages – Peace on Earth and Goodwill to All Men. We live in a scary world of war, economic crisis, terror, murder and evil diseases. This Christmas, take a moment to think of those, past and present, here and abroad, who make it possible for us to celebrate, give presents, sleep soundly and be with those we love. While you are out and about this Christmas season, be kind to others, don’t barge around the shops, say hello to strangers and smile, we have much to be thankful for!

So that’s my tips, I could go on but I fear you may already have switched off! So what are your best tips for surviving Christmas?

So what has happened over the month?

The biggest subject of my blog this month has been my depression. It seems so long ago I wrote a post about how low I was feeling which inevitably has led to me seeing the doctor, being diagnosed with depression and being off work for most of the month. I would love to say I am getting there but I still feel pretty rubbish. I went back to the doctor today who has signed me off for another 2 weeks. The tablets aren’t yet making a difference but I have been reassured this is nothing to be concerned about in the short term because it can take up to 4 weeks to feel the benefits.

Also, Christmas is coming and while I struggle to find my enthusiasm I have almost finished my shopping and have started the wrapping, I’ve even delivered pressies to family that I won’t see on the day! I need to get the tree up as this is the first year since I left home 12 years ago that the tree has not made it into the house before the end of November. I guess NaBloPoMo has taken up more of my time than I thought!!

This month also saw the arrival of some welcome exciting news………but you still have to watch this space on that one for a while!

Now I have to decide how often I will post from now on. I think every day is a lot, although I know some bloggers do, and I have in the past written a daily post. I don’t want to end up not writing very often though and losing any new readers that may be out there! So I think I will aim to do a minimum of 3 a week. What do you think, did you take part in NaBloPoMo and if so how much will you blog now it’s over? Or how much would you like to read from me? Some days I could waffle on for a long time and others I don’t have anything to say so any opinions are welcome!!

When I had done I made my way to the checkouts. We have about 20 in our local store and only 3 were open so I joined the smallest queue. Obviously Tesco no longer honour the promise to open another till if there are 2 people in front of you, but I was in no rush other than wanting to get back to the security of my car.

Behind me an older chap joined the cue, who decided he would jab into my back with his hand while he rushed to load up the conveyor with his shopping. He hit me a couple of times and the fact was I couldn’t move forward because, well, we were in a queue!! So I just moved a little to get out of the way and then soon enough it was me being served.

For a change the checkout girl was very nice, she didn’t rush my shopping through and was quite happy for me to finish packing before demanding money. When I had finished she handed me my change and receipt. Before even saying thank you and goodbye, I felt a trolley push into my hip with enough force that I actually moved side ways! I let out a sigh, thanked the checkout girl and walked away.

If I was myself I would have asked this nice man if his mother had ever taught him manners, but I’m not myself at the moment and I actually felt so small that I wanted to cry.

So my moral to this story is 2 fold – 1. Being Polite costs nothing and 2. You might not know the person your actions effect, but that means you don’t know how your actions will effect them so don’t assume they won’t notice!

Regular readers will know that I am going through a pretty rubbish time at the moment. I’ve been off work for almost 3 weeks and I am back to the doctors on Wednesday to see what the way forward is. I’m very much living in my own bubble at the moment and as much as I want to get out of it, for the way I am feeling it is safe to stay in this bubble. Looking forward is really hard at the moment. I can’t see past the day I am in. I’m trying to look forward to Christmas but even that is happening on auto pilot.

So, last week, I got some news completely out of the blue that I never expected to get. It’s something I’ve wanted for a long time but for purely selfish reasons. To say it made me smile is an understatement. It brought tears to my eyes for a good reason. It’s also made me look forward to the future, which is less of a blur now. I wrote the title to this post meaning it. I haven’t felt genuinely excited for a long time but about this, yes I am.

Life is still hard day to day, I’m sat here writing in my pyjamas, looking and feeling a mess with no motivation to get showered and dressed because I know it won’t make me feel happier. I’m not looking forward to 3pm when the girls come home because I have to paint on the smile for them. I’m not looking forward to the doctors on Wednesday as I have blood results to get which have been giving me nightmares and I’m scared of what he might tell me. Suddenly though I can look forward to the mid term, the not so distant future. To get there I have to get through today, tomorrow, Wednesday, next week, Christmas etc. So in a way, the news of the future is getting me through today – and hopefully by then I’ll have found me again too.

Oh and a message from my depression…………

“The exciting news won’t happen. Something will change and it’s not going to be. Then you’ll come running back to me with open arms because I am safe, I’m the only thing you can depend on for the rest of your life.”

Soon be time again!