I’d like to apologise, I have failed the NaBloPoMo challenge, initially I blogged and missed a day or 2 at the start of the month, but last weekend I came down with tonsillitis and have been out of action all week, sleeping on the sofa, wrapping up warm and getting as much rest as possible. Unfortunately that meant not being able to blog!
On the plus side though, I have, in my short time on NaBloPoMo, enjoyed writing posts again so I plan to continue to post more often!!
So, I’m now almost 100% recovered and plan on continuing with posts after the weekend, but now you know where I have been for the last week!
Ok so I have nicked the idea for todays post from the NaBloPoMo Facebook page, but I thought it’s quite a good one to do, and not as easy as it first sounds so here we go…….
1. Visit Australia including scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef – for some reason I hate going in the sea and having fish round my feet, but really want to Scuba dive on the barrier reef, and have done since I was little.
2. See my daughters grow up into well rounded women – I know every parent assumes this will happen, but in order to do this I have to look after myself and them to ensure it happens!
3. Go on a safari – I love to see animals in their natural surroundings!
4. Have a holiday somewhere with beaches, sea and peace and quite – I’d love to go to the Maldives or other tropical peaceful place.
5. Keep Marine fish – I have a tropical tank, but at the moment space and money restricts me from being able to have a marine tank with the fish I would like, one day though!!
6. Go on a ghost hunt – I’ve always fancied going on a ghost walk, or staying in a haunted house, hopefully I will manage to find the nerve to do it one day!
7. Eat at the Fat Duck – I am amazed when I see Heston Blumenthal cook, I’d love to try his food!
8. Visit Auschwitz – After visiting Anne Frank’s house in Amsterdam I would also like to visit Auschwitz
9. Write a book – I have tried many times to write a book and never succeeded, even if it’s never published I’d like to writer a complete book!
10. Be happy – I know it sounds really corny, but the main thing I want in my life is happiness. Whether I achieve anything else I hope that when the time comes I can say I had a happy life!
So that’s my 10 things, what would yours include?
I can’t believe how time flies, I really can’t! My daughters are now 9 and 4, I’ve lived in this house for 3 1/2 years and the days whizz by in a blur sometimes. What is it with time though, why is it going so fast?
When I was a kid, the thought of a whole term at school was painful, holidays felt like a lifetime apart and weekends were two whole days of free time. Time wasn’t an issue, I don’t really have memories of my parents rushing around on a daily basis and saying things like “I’ve not got time”. I actually remember at about 8 years old, calling for a friend to play out and her mum told me she was busy but would be able to play out in an hour. I went home and said to my mum “that’s ages”. Whilst obviously the hour passed, it did feel like a long time.
I thought it was just an age thing. As you get older time becomes more important, planning holidays, days out, even the every day things like shopping, all take up time and so you are constantly thinking about time. When I started working in Sales Management in 2007 I really noticed how constantly tracking sales periods made the months fly by. Now with work I am always planning future appointments and so my days are mapped out in blocks of time. The only issue with this is that B has also said how fast time is going. She said it only feels like 5 minutes since we went on holiday in August, and now it’s only 7 weeks till Christmas!
It got me thinking that maybe it IS the fact that we time watch that time flies. With modern day technology time is all around us, mobiles, iPads, Laptops, alarms, cookers etc. Pretty much everything is governed by time, I hate to think how often I look at the clock, I know I have checked it about 5 times so far while writing this post! Even for kids, they have their phones, if B texts a friend she is then clock watching till she gets a reply (another issue in itself but not relevant now), if she wants to watch TV it is generally a half hour program, so by the time she has watched one and H has picked another, that’s an hour gone. I’ve also noticed B will ask how long things will be till they start or finish, and will wait rather than fill 10 minutes doing something else.
Last weekend I was full of cold and on Sunday me and Mr K sat in the house, wrapping Christmas pressies and relaxing. We put on a music channel and I didn’t put on my watch. The only time I thought about what time it was, was when I started to feel hungry and then I went to cook dinner. Do you know what, the day seemed to last much longer! So I actually think that technology means we watch time closer, and watching time seems to make things go faster! I’m actually going to set myself the challenge of not wearing a watch at the weekend from now on and make a conscious effort to ignore time when time is my own!
I’d love to know your thoughts on the speed of time though!
It’s the big mystery of the human race, what is love, when do you know you have found it and how does it make you feel. When I was younger I used to dream of falling in love, like in the fairytales where the prince whisks the princess off her feet, they get married and live happily ever after.
When I was 18 I met who I thought was my prince, I fell in love and we married after only 7 months. I was happy beyond anything I thought was possible. We were together for almost 9 years and had 2 beautiful daughters together. Unfortunately it fell apart and while pregnant with our 2nd child I became a single mum.
To me the illusion of love was broken at that point. My happily ever after was a myth.
A few years later I met Mr D. We were friends and it progressed into more but only lasted 18 months. I believed it was love. My heart never skipped a beat. I never felt that spark. I believed that was obviously just how first love felt and plodded along.
Fast forward a bit further and I decided to give online dating another go. I’d not had much luck in the past, either through chatting to strange blokes or just never having the nerve to meet someone. So this time I told myself I would do it seriously. I would be 100% me on my profile, not the me I thought blokes might want to meet. I would talk to guys online as me, stop contact if they gave me any reason to think there was something strange about them and actually meet someone I felt a connection to.
After a few days I got a message from Mr K, just saying hi and did I want to chat, I checked out his profile and sent a message back. We chatted online for a few days and both decided we wanted to meet. A week later we had our first date. That was at the end of July and now I really do know how love feels. I know it has only been 3 months, and actually I knew I loved him the moment I saw him, but this is true love and I can now see that the love I thought I felt at 18 was because of the ideal I had in my head not because of true love.
So, when do you know? Well, it might sound like a cliche but you just know! When true love knocks on your door you’ll know it as it will be the best feeling in the world ever!
I went to get my hair done today and ok no I’m not going to write a post about that, but it just made me realise that quite a bit has happened over the last few months! Like you do in the hairdressers chair, she asks what’s been happening with you and you reply that nothing has happened. I did that today then I realised how wrong I was and as always, we got chatting!
It also made me see that I’ve not posted on here for a while and maybe I should update my readers too!!
So here goes, my top things to talk about in the hairdressers chair today:
Car crashes – in the last 6 weeks I’ve had a bit of dealings with car insurance, firstly my car got written off after a young girl drove into the back of me. She admitted liability and it was nice and straightforward but the labour costs to repair were going to be so high it would cost twice as much as it would to write it off!! As if that’s not enough, the day after I picked up my new car, someone drove into it in a car park! I didn’t see it and no details were left but there was a witness who was willing to give his details and showed me the car that did it. I’ve just had a call today saying the insurance has authorised repairs so he obviously admitted liability, but what a pain in the neck!! Literally! I start physio on Friday for neck, shoulder and arm pains following the first crash!
H going to school – she is sooooooo excited and she is off to school with quite a few friends from nursery. She’s had her first taster session with another this week and one next week. She is still my baby and I won’t lie, a big part of me doesn’t want her to go to school because I know how fast time goes once kids are in school, but she is so ready for it and her excitement fills me with joy!
I’m single again – through my own choice I have finished things with Mr D. About 2 months ago I made a huge decision to put me and my girls first and things with the two of us just didn’t feel right any more. No regrets I enjoyed what we had, but time to move on.
Christian Grey – ok so who hasn’t heard of him? Who hasn’t read the books? Whilst reading the books I have formulated a review in my head so I don’t want to post too much now and ruin that post for the future, but woah!!! He gets everywhere, even the hairdressers!!!
So that’s bringing you up to speed with the wonderful world of me! I have lots of posts in the pipeline and I’m hoping to have some time to actually write them soon so watch this space!!!
It’s been a few months since I was diagnosed with depression and I’m still on the medication although hopeful the doctor will reduce or end my time on them next week when I am due to see him. I’m feeling much better and with the aid of the medication can actually understand the difference now between “normal” rubbish days and depression. It’s hard to explain, but we all have down days, I thought I was just having a run of them back in the autumn, but now I see that what I was feeling was completely different, it was a constant fog of numbness, with frequent bouts of feeling insecure, inadequate and lost. I’m feeling like me again now and when I have a bad day, there is always light at the end of the tunnel and I am positive I can get through it.
What I have found though is the way some people talk to me and also the way I have been now I have been officially diagnosed with depression. Before my diagnosis I have worked with and known plenty of people who suffer from depression of some sort and I do think that it depends on who the person is and the reason for their depression as to how to speak to them. It does take an understanding of depression to be confident with those who have depression and I think sometimes that’s what our society lacks. So here’s my take on depression and what you can do for friends and family that suffer!
First of all, there are 2 types of depression. There is circumstantial depression. (These are my terms not medical terms). This is when someone is depressed because of an event that has happened in their life, death of a loved one, break up of a marriage, being made redundant. This is the kind of depression that has a trigger, it can usually be managed by counselling and may require medication. Then there is the other type of depression, which whilst has a trigger, it is sometimes seemingly out of the blue. The type I am talking about here would include Post Natal Depression, SAD and in my case, a bout of depression that seemingly came out of no where. I said the whole way through, that I am happy, work was good, me and Mr D were all good, nothing had happened to act as a trigger. From talking to the doctor I would say I have suffered silently since I was a teen, but mainly since B was born 9 years ago. I’ve managed it myself but this time it was worse.
The most important thing though, is that in all cases depression is an illness, caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain – whether this imbalance is caused by a specific trigger or an underlying possible genetic tendency (again, this is not based on medical fact, this is my view), it is an illness. If I had tonsillitis I would expect to be asked how I am but not the in’s and out’s of why I have it and what the prognosis is. Yet I have found that when people know I am being treated for depression they talk to me different, ask me how I am a lot, tip toe around speaking to me in the normal way in case they upset me. I don’t know if it is a conscious thing but all I would say is, talk to me how you always have!!
As for me, I noticed as I started to feel better I felt guilty for laughing. As the medication kicked in I reached a stage where i could hold it together in public or with friends and then let go when I was on my own, the tears were still there but they were once again hidden. To me inside that was a sign of being on the way back up as I have this stage on the way down too. Yet I found myself laughing or being daft with the kids and then pulling back from it, as if I had no right to laugh because I have depression. I guess this is part of the way depression takes hold. It does sometimes feel like the devil on your shoulder saying you are not allowed to enjoy yourself!
I am now back at work, hence the lack of posts on here for a while, and things are going well. I’m doing everything I have always done, the only difference is that at the moment I still need that tablet each morning. Oh and I still can’t drink yet, had a glass of wine on Christmas day and honestly forgot things I had said!!! It was a weird feeling, like being drunk without the slurred words, like flying without leaving the seat! So I am not going there again!!! I hope my little insight will help you to understand depression more, and remember, it’s still the same person inside so treat them how you always do and that’s the best way to aid anyone’s recovery!
I love this advert, sums it up great – this is a longer version of the advert we see on TV and brings a smile to my face every time!!!
This time five weeks ago I had made the decision to see the doctor about my depression and signed myself off sick for a week. Little did I know that would turn into 5 weeks off sick, but today I return to work!
I’ve come a long way in five weeks. I’m feeling much happier in myself, I’m not in tears at the littlest thing and I want to get back to normal. Five weeks ago I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I didn’t think anything could lift the fog of depression. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not “fixed” yet. Recovering from depression takes time and I know that tomorrow morning I may wake up and want the world to go away. The difference now is that I have the ability to make myself do things no matter how hard it is. So watch this space on how my day goes!
I am worried, worried being at work will knock me back, worried I’m not yet ready and so will mess up and effect my confidence. As the doctor said though, it is a case of trying it and seeing how it goes, the reassurance I can go and get signed off again if it gets too much is like a crash net beneath me so I know I won’t hit rock bottom again. I’ve also got the benefit of it being almost Christmas, so with bank holidays and annual holiday already booked, I’m pretty much only working 7 days over the next 3 weeks. So a slow steady return to work will hopefully be the best way to ease myself back to normal!
My biggest fear is not how I will be round my colleagues, but how I will be working with the families I work with. I’ve noticed lately I will panic uncontrollably over silly little things, like being in a very crowded room for H’s Christmas Concert, or meeting friends for a meal – what if they don’t turn up, what if the food is awful as I suggested the venue, what if they ask how I am and I cry…………..
Watch this space!
Step one – shout help ~ check
Step two – take some time ~ check
Step three – back to work ~ here goes!!
Last week I received some really exciting news. What that news is I cannot say because it’s not my news – but the news itself is not important for the purpose of this post.
Regular readers will know that I am going through a pretty rubbish time at the moment. I’ve been off work for almost 3 weeks and I am back to the doctors on Wednesday to see what the way forward is. I’m very much living in my own bubble at the moment and as much as I want to get out of it, for the way I am feeling it is safe to stay in this bubble. Looking forward is really hard at the moment. I can’t see past the day I am in. I’m trying to look forward to Christmas but even that is happening on auto pilot.
So, last week, I got some news completely out of the blue that I never expected to get. It’s something I’ve wanted for a long time but for purely selfish reasons. To say it made me smile is an understatement. It brought tears to my eyes for a good reason. It’s also made me look forward to the future, which is less of a blur now. I wrote the title to this post meaning it. I haven’t felt genuinely excited for a long time but about this, yes I am.
Life is still hard day to day, I’m sat here writing in my pyjamas, looking and feeling a mess with no motivation to get showered and dressed because I know it won’t make me feel happier. I’m not looking forward to 3pm when the girls come home because I have to paint on the smile for them. I’m not looking forward to the doctors on Wednesday as I have blood results to get which have been giving me nightmares and I’m scared of what he might tell me. Suddenly though I can look forward to the mid term, the not so distant future. To get there I have to get through today, tomorrow, Wednesday, next week, Christmas etc. So in a way, the news of the future is getting me through today – and hopefully by then I’ll have found me again too.
Oh and a message from my depression…………
“The exciting news won’t happen. Something will change and it’s not going to be. Then you’ll come running back to me with open arms because I am safe, I’m the only thing you can depend on for the rest of your life.”
I love Christmas. I love the carols, the excited children, everyone talking about their plans, I love Christmas shopping, putting up the decorations and the tree. I am really looking forward to Christmas this year. It will be the first for many years that I wake in my own home and hopefully Santa will have been. The girls can open their pressies before going to my parents for dinner. Santa has been good to them this year because they have been good and their lists were done on time for once!
Thing is though, I’m missing the Christmas cheer this year. Today Mr D has put up his tree with his children and I have joined in but really not got excited about it. My tree will need to go up too, but I can’t find the enthusiasm in me to do it. My tree always goes up before the end of November but this year I am wondering if that will be the case. The Christmas shopping is almost complete, the wrapping is well on it’s way to being done but I just want to pause things until I find me again.
Tonight I should have been on a night out with my work colleagues for our Christmas night out. As I am currently off sick and the destination meant an hours drive, I made the decision that I wouldn’t go. I can’t drink on the medication I am on and with how drowsy I get in the evenings didn’t think the drive was a wise idea. I know I’m not myself though because the “real” me would be gutted about missing a night out and right now I’m not bothered!
Mr D said to me earlier “You don’t want to be here do you?” and I replied with “Right now I don’t want to be anywhere!” That shocked me, but that’s how I felt. I didn’t want to be here with them, I didn’t want to go home or to my parents. I just wanted to hibernate and wake up when I feel better! It’s a weird feeling. I say I have felt like this for years on and off, but I most definitely feel worse than I have ever felt. I have lost all motivation and operate on auto pilot and I really want to feel better for Christmas!!
So that’s my goal, I have decided no matter what happens on Wednesday when I go back to the doctors, my goal needs to be slightly longer term. I was thinking my recovery would be a couple of weeks but that just hasn’t happened. So my aim is to be able to enjoy Christmas as the “real” me. Here’s hoping!! I have 4 weeks, the search continues!!
On Monday i blogged about the fact I was starting to feel better. Oh how I wish I had kept my mouth shut! Tuesday and Wednesday I had that awful numb “I feel nothing” feeling. Then yesterday the tears returned. I don’t like to cry although I do cry easily. I find it’s a release if I am angry or upset about something, but when it is just uncontrollable crying for nothing I feel like a complete idiot, even when I am sat here on my own!
I have a week until I see the doctor again for a chat about how I am getting on and how to move forward. I know I was told that the side effects would last 1-2 weeks and I would start to feel better in 2-4 weeks but I was possibly kidding myself last week that the tablets were kicking in. I think as it turns out, the drowsy side effects were just meaning I switched off from my feelings for a while. The side effects are now wearing off, I no longer feel sick when I eat and I’m not yawning as much, but emotionally I feel back where I started! I am due to go back to work next Thursday and whilst that is a week away I am already getting panicy about it – not that I don’t want to get better or go back to work because to be honest time with my colleagues is something I do miss. Yet I’m convinced that going back to work is going to knock me back again. I know it’s a week away though and hopefully I will be feeling different though.
Thing is though I am really conscious that the people around me are fed up with it too. B keeps asking me if I am ok, to which I always say yes, so she asks why I am not at work! Mr D comes round in an evening and I can be happy and chirpy one minute and in tears the next, with no explanation. As for my family they are there for support but I don’t think any of them really get it. I don’t want to talk about it all the time but it’s always there.
I’ll keep on going, I am fed up big time of feeling this way. I wish I could just pull myself together and cheer up, but it’s really not that easy. I really feel like I am loosing me at the moment and that’s the scariest thing!
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