Ok before I start here, I just want to say I love my life and I love everyone in it, thing is though, I need a serious break from it all.
Over the last few days the words “I’m tired” have come out of my mouth a few times, only to be greeted with the words “I know that feeling”, or “welcome to the club”. I’m not saying other people don’t get tired and I’m not saying no one has ever felt like I do now, but it really doesn’t help me!
I really can’t work out what has made me so tired recently, the sun is out and that usually perks me up. Yes the girls are about all the time at the mo as their dad is working away, but that’s not out of the ordinary. Mr D and his kids are about alternate weekends and that’s been the case for the last 6 months, so really it’s not that either.
Now I know that being a mum is tiring work and that having a cuppa or 5 minutes to yourself is hard. That’s not what I am after at all. It is one thing I have always and will always insist on, that if nothing else, once the girls are in bed at night I stop and relax. I just can’t do it though. If I stop I fall asleep, so I play online, work towards my NVQ, write a blog post………anything just to keep me awake until the girls have settled. I generally go to bed around 10pm and wake at around 7am depending on what time H wakes. I sleep pretty well although the more tired I am to start with, the worse I sleep. So, in general, I get about 8 hours sleep by the time I have settled off. I know that is more than the average adult and it is the recommended amount of sleep for a healthy adult. I wake up feeling as tired as when I went to bed though!
My days at the moment are as if I am in a dream world. I am functioning, I know what I am doing, but I honestly don’t feel like I am here. When I drive I feel like I am on auto pilot. I know I am safe because I haven’t even had any “near misses” but it’s when I arrive at my destination and have no recollection of the journey that I wonder what is going on. I have never felt this shattered in my life. Ok, maybe when I had my new born daughters, but then I didn’t need to do much other than rest, feed them and change their nappies. The slightest little thing these days makes me cry too, and for no reason, I just sit and cry and weirdly it feels like the tension comes out in my tears and it kind of does make me feel better for 5 minutes or so.
The worst of it all is not the fact that there is no end in sight, I mean as a single mum, even if I had a couple of days off work I would still have the girls to get to school and nursery etc. No, the worst thing is my lack of patience. I get easily wound up with things, like kids being kids, but at the moment B just has to look at me the wrong way and I get annoyed. It’s not her fault I am tired!! I’m also finding myself having feelings of jealousy towards H, just for the sheer fact that she can fall asleep any time any place, because she is 2!!!
Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest, I am so tired I should really go to bed now, so while I do that, any tips on how to get maximum relaxation from minimal time, or whether anyone else can relate to this feeling of being here in body but not spirit, please leave your comments below!
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